Man vs. machine

On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at the BART station a bit early. While he’s waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform — the sign on it says it’s a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine.

So Nathan stands on it, puts in a coin and the machine says, “You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish.”

Nathan can’t believe what he’s just heard. So he gets on it again and inserts another coin. “You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you’re waiting for the 7.35 a.m. train to take you to your job at Wells Fargo in San Francisco.”

He is totally shocked, but he’s determined to beat the machine. He goes into the men’s room, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a Band-Aid on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another coin. The machine instantly says, “You’re still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. You’re also a dolt. While you’ve been testing me out, you’ve just missed your train.”

Good advice

Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr. Schmaltzsteen, his psychiatrist. “Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?”

Schmaltzsteen replies, “You must pay me in advance.”

Motherly advice

Josh tells his mom that his friends are going mountain-climbing and he wants to go, too.

“Mountains, shmountains,” she answers. “Stay away — you want a nosebleed?”

Three Texans

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger.”

The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John’s.”

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, “My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.”

Roger looks down at him and says, “Three hundred acres? What do you raise?”

“Nothing” Irving says.

“Well then, what do you call it?” asked John.

“Downtown Dallas.”

Let us eat cake

A physician was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, that we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a small, 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, “Vedding cake?”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.