Tax deductions

Michael Bloomburger, the owner of a small kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.

He had reported a net profit of $60,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $60,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these business travel deductions of $125,000. You listed 10 trips to Israel for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that?” the owner said smiling. “Well … we also deliver.” 

Pet fish

After a day fishing in the Sea of Galilee, Moshe the fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two rare fish in a bucket.

He is approached by a game warden who asks him for his fishing license.

Moshe says to the warden, “I did not catch these fish; they are my pets.

Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them for a swim only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license, and a heavy fine is levied for illegally fishing rare fish.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me, then watch,” as he throws the fish back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water.”

Moshe turns to the warden and says, “What fish?”

A nail-biter

Two elderly ladies, Ruth and Naomi, were discussing their husbands over tea.

Ruth says, “I do wish that my Ernie would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous. …”

Naomi replies, “My Shlomi used to do the same thing, but I broke him of the habit.”

“How?” asks Ruth, rather curious, “I’ve been trying everything and I’ve even consulted my son-in-law, the family doctor, but to no avail.

“What did you do?”

The wizened Naomi replies, “I hid his teeth!”

Customs agent

A Chassid in a big streimel (traditional fur hat) is stopped at customs by an agent at JFK airport and asked: “Taliban?”

“No!” the man replies immediately. “Teitelbaum.”

The cure

Doctor Bloom — known for his miraculous cures for arthritis — had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

When it was time for her appointment, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this, walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle … he gave me a longer cane.”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.