Oy, the mob
The phone rings at mobster headquarters in the Bronx.
“Hello? Hello, is this the mob?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor, Yankel Rabinovitz, as an enemy of the boss. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, some mob toughs go over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at his house.
“Hello, Yankel! Did the toughs come?”
“Yes.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yes, they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”
A tale of Chelm
The Jews of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. They would need a lot of wood for the construction.
Luckily, there was a large forest located on a hill just outside town.
A number of Chelmites went out to the forest the next day and started cutting down trees. They soon had enough to build the synagogue. To transport the wood to town, they split into teams of four. Each team carried one tree down the hill and back to town.
Just as they arrived with the very last tree, a stranger visiting town asked, “Why didn’t you just roll the trees down the hill?”
The mayor of Chelm hit himself in the forehead and said, “Of course! Why didn’t we think of that?!”
He then ordered all the workers to carry the trees back up the hill and roll them down.
The last wish
Sarah was on her deathbed, and she gave final instructions to her husband, Stewart.
“Stewart, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes.”
“I can’t do that, darling”, Stewart said. “You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.”
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