Saul said …

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell “cultivate,” and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded:

“Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”

Heaven’s orientation

Three buddies, Dovid, Shlomo and Yaakov, die in a car crash, God forbid. But they were good Jews so they go to heaven and are ushered into heaven’s orientation room.

They are each asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

Dovid says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

Shlomo says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

Yaakov replies, “I would like to hear them say … look, look! He’s moving!!!”

Saturday shul

A man was lying in bed on a Saturday morning.

His wife said to him, “Get out of bed and go to shul.”

“I don’t want to go to shul,” he said , “and there are three reasons for that. First, I am tired. Second, I don’t like the service and I really dislike the sermons. Third, the congregation doesn’t like me.” 

So his wife said, “Those excuses are no good. Get out of bed and go to shul for three reasons. First, a decent Jewish family goes to shul together. Second, God will never forgive you, if you don’t come to shul. And third, you are the rabbi.”

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