Heavenly intervention

Mrs. Friedman, the third-grade Hebrew teacher, needed some supplies from a supply cabinet that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. She didn’t know the combination, and called Rabbi Weinstein to give it a try.

The rabbi placed his fingers on the lock’s dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock.

Seeing how impressed Mrs. Friedman was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, “The numbers are written on the ceiling.”

Non-kosher

One day Mr. Moscowitz decided to try pork without telling anybody.  So he went to a non-kosher restaurant and ordered the pork. 

Then, suddenly, a couple from his congregation walked into the restaurant. They came over to Moscowitz’s table and sat down. 

The waiter then emerged from the kitchen, carrying a covered platter. He brought it to the table and with great fanfare, lifted the cover, revealing a roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

“What a restaurant,” said Moscowitz. “You ask them for a baked apple and look what they give you!”

Staffing problem

A passenger jet was bumping through a severe thunderstorm. 

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to the rabbi seated next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, “Rabbi, you are a man of God; can’t you do something about this storm?”

To which he replied, “Madam, I’m in sales, not management …”

Words of wisdom

A businessman rushed into the office of his rabbi and complained loudly about his troubles.

“I am stone broke,” he cried. “My creditors call day and night demanding money. My wife says she’ll divorce me if I don’t straighten out my financial problems and my daughter say she wants me to give her a $15,000 wedding. What can I do? What can I do?”

The rabbi said, “Calm yourself. I have good advice for you. What I want you to do is go home, place the Torah a table. Sit down in front of it, close your eyes and open the Torah at random to any page. Then take your finger and point to any place on that page, keeping your eyes closed. When you open your eyes you will find the answer to your problems under your finger.”

The fellow thought the rabbi was totally confused and ridiculous. Yet, on his way home he decided to give that advice a try anyway since he had nothing to lose.

Now the rabbi hadn’t seen this fellow for three months when suddenly he rushed into the rabbi’s office and shouted. “Rabbi, good news. I am inviting you to officiate at my daughter’s $15,000 wedding.”

The rabbi was astonished. “So you did what I told you.”

“Yes I did,” said the businessman. “I put the Torah on the table, closed my eyes, opened at a random page and put my finger on the page. When I opened my eyes, there in front of me was the answer to my financial problems.” 

“Speak up!” shouted the rabbi,  “Tell me, what were the words under your finger?”

“Chapter 11,” said the businessman.

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.