Which tree?

When Rabbi Levy retired, the congregation decided to plant a tree on the shul grounds in commemoration of his years of service.

At the board meeting, someone suggested an oak tree, because the rabbi grew the congregation from a little “acorn.” Someone else, a critic of the rabbi, suggested a locust, a reference to one of the plagues in Exodus. As the discussion became heated, the gabbai spoke up.

“None of you mentioned the rabbi’s service as a mohel,” he said, “so why not plant an appropriate tree?”

“So what do you have in mind?” the president asked.

Meyer pulled out a nursery catalog. “Right here, a tree. A you-clipped-us.”

Dating advice

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking

Sadie: “That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman, asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Yetta: “Vell … I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die for. Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but such a beautiful car … a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner … Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show … Let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, ve are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL, he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”

Sadie: “Oy vey! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Yetta: “No, no. I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

The other fridge

Moishe and Esther Rabinowitz move into a highly Orthodox community, and want to join a local shul. They seem appropriate for the community, and the rabbi comes to their house to make certain that everything in the house meets requirements.

All of the mezuzahs are in place and have been certified. Good.

The kitchen has two stoves, two refrigerators, two dishwashers, two prep areas, two sinks, but has five sets of dishes and five sets of flatware.

The rabbi says, “Four I can understand, Pesach meat and dairy, non-Pesach meat and dairy. So, what do you need the fifth set for?”

Esther answers, “For traif.”

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