A crooked man

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life.

After services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said “Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here. What made you come?”

Cohen said, “I’ve got to be honest with you, rabbi; a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I knew that Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levy came to services every Saturday.

“I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the Sh’ma and steal Levy’s hat.”

The rabbi said, “Well,I notice that you didn’t steal Levy’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Cohen replied: “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal Levy’s hat.”

The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than violate a commandment, right?”

Cohen shook his head and said, “No, rabbi, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left it.”

Adam’s argument

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden, all alone. Of course it wasn’t good for him to be all by himself, so God came down to visit.

“Adam,” He said, “I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I’m going to give you a companion, a helpmate for you — someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life.”

Adam was stunned. “That’s sounds incredible!”

“Well, it is,” God said. “But it doesn’t come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg.”

“That’s a pretty high price to pay,” said Adam. “What can I get for a rib?”

Children

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in 50 years since college.

Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren.”

“No children and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”

Old friends

Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman, tells her friends: “My son is now a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.'”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace.'”

The third Catholic lady says, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence.'”

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, “Well …?”

So she replies, “My son is 6-foot-6. He has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very well, tight muscular body … and whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, ‘Oh, my God!'”

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