A lost appetite

Two bubbes, Gertrude and Zelda, were sitting on a bench in Golden Gate Park having a serious conversation.

“Gertrude,” said Zelda, “I don’t understand something. I simply have no appetite lately.  No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite.”

Gertrude said, “Listen Zelda, my doctor, the lovely Doctor Wigglestein, once told me that if I didn’t have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get an appetite.

“So I tried it and it was true. So take my advice, Zelda, and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you’ll see, you’ll develop an appetite.”

A few days later the two meet again in the park.

“Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now?  Did the herring give you an appetite?”

Zelda sighed, “I took your advice.  First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings.  But Gertrude, your advice didn’t work for me.  Would you believe, when lunchtime came, I had absolutely no appetite!”

A tale of trousers

Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers to a tailor on Nob Hill to have them altered. But the next day, Maurice was called to Israel on a last-minute job assignment. It was more than five months before he was able to return to his San Francisco home.

One day, while he was dressing, Maurice reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor’s receipt for his trousers. So Maurice went straight to the tailor’s shop, which fortunately was still there.

Maurice handed the tailor the receipt, and asked, “Are my trousers here?”

“Yes, of course,” said the tailor. “Be ready next Tuesday.”

I can hear you

Sammy “Matzah Ball” Goldblatt was showing off.  He said to his friend Seymour, “I bought a hearing aid yesterday.  It cost me $2,000.”

Seymour said, “That’s expensive, isn’t it? ”

Sammy replied, “Yes, but it is state of the art.”

“What kind is it?” Seymour asked.

“A quarter to 12,” said Sammy.

Pre-wedding talk

Sadie was stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.

The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”

Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”

A fishy conversation

Sammy “Matzah Ball” Goldblatt goes into a restaurant and orders a plate of salmon. The waiter serves him a nice-sized piece of fish. As he’s walking away, the waiter overhears Sammy talking to the fish. Soon Sammy is deep in conversation with his lunch.

“What on earth are you doing?” says the waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?”

Sammy replies, “We’re just shmoozing. It seems that the fish is from off the coast of Seattle. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old hometown.”

“What did he say?” asked the waiter.

“He said, “How should I know? I haven’t been there in years!”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.