With all the dating advice columns, Web sites and books, is there really a need for another book, this one especially for Jewish gals?
Yes, reasons author Leah Furman, whose “Single Jewish Female: A Modern Guide to Sex and Dating” promises to help “attractive, successful” women cope with keeping kosher at trendy restaurants, telling your parents that your new guy isn’t Jewish and figuring out “what’s sexually kosher.”
Much of Furman’s subject matter can be found in any dating guide. And some things are just plain silly, such as her advice on how to discover “where all the Jewish guys are hiding.” Her suggestions: JDate, SpeedDating volunteer organizations such as the United Jewish Federation, Kabbalah classes … Israel. Any Jewish gal seeking a Jewish guy might answer, “Well, duh!” No secret hiding places there.
But the book sets itself apart from other manuals by looking at the specific dating problems of the Jewish streams. Furman covers dating a kosher-keeping, Shabbat-observing Orthodox man when you’re a “bagel Jew” (an assimilated Jew, or someone who may also chant and meditate before a statue of Buddha) or worse yet, a “bacon Jew” (a hostile Jew, or someone who has bought into the “wimpy Mama’s-boy view” of Jewish men).
She also acknowledges that, with so many Jews who don’t really know what being Jewish means to them, “we need to own our Jewishness … no matter what form it takes.”
Her advice: Understand what’s important to him, and just as important, to yourself; pick your battles; stand up for what you believe in and don’t try to convert your guy to your way of thinking. Of course, that involves a lot. But if that kind of self-awareness exists before the relationship begins to head toward marriage, the relationship stands a far greater chance of lasting forever.
One of the single Jewish women Furman interviewed acknowledges, tongue-in-cheek, that besides a Jewish couple being able to get each other’s jokes and sense of humor, “we can make fun of our moms for the same things.”
The book includes a “Thinking Ahead” questionnaire, which helps a single Jewish female decide whether she really can commit to a non-Jew.
Perhaps the worst part of “Single Jewish Female” is Furman’s numerous attempts to be cute, when actually her comments made me roll my eyes. Such as: “Admit it, you drive on Saturdays, you big heretic, you.” Or “ethical living is a tall order, but no one ever said that being Jewish would be a piece of rugelach.”
At times her advice seems questionable. For example, she tells women to head to a bar because, as one single Jewish guy tells her, “It’s much easier to get to know people after they’ve had a drink and their inhibitions are down. I’ve found that women are more relaxed at bars.”
Furman also lapses into stereotypes: “Using another person as a meal or concert ticket is strictly verboten.”
However, she follows that by noting, “most of us can afford our own dinners … and all we need for a good shopping spree are some willing girlfriends.”
“Single Jewish Female” isn’t the best dating-advice book, but there aren’t many just for Jews, let alone Jewish gals. If it helps women find some peace about what they really want from Judaism — before they get involved with someone, Jewish or not — and if it helps them stay true to their convictions, it will have done its job.
“Single Jewish Female,” by Leah Furman (Perigee, $13.95, 189 pages).