Rachel, the biblical matriarch, describes her pain as an infertile woman. “Give me children,” she pleads. “For if not, I am dead.”
The pain of a Jewish woman who feels betrayed by her body — or her partner’s body — in her quest to conceive is real, bewildering and, often, debilitating. And while the pain of an observant woman may not be greater than her secular sister, it is certainly more layered.
Consider just a sample of complications:
Should couples consider violating the law to conceive a child during the 12 days of an observant woman’s menstrual cycle, which are sexually off-limits?
How should an observant man react when asked for a sperm sample for an infertility test? Should he use the medical condom, which catches sperm for testing? Coitus interruptus? Self-stimulation? All those practices are forbidden by Jewish law, halachah, for fertile couples. What compromises does a couple make to overcome infertility?
Should desperate observant couples participate in infertility treatments on the Sabbath?
And maybe the most daunting question of all: If God commanded the Jews to procreate, why does he make it impossible for some people?
Richard V. Grazi’s “Overcoming Infertility: A Guide for Jewish Couples” is a success because it seeks answers to the hard questions: medical, philosophical and emotional.
The book is the most comprehensive text on the experience of the American observant infertile couple. It addresses head-on the additional stress and grievances faced by the infertile couple who abides by halachah.
But the book, Grazi clarifies immediately, is not going to solve the problem of infertility. For the observant couple under religious pressure to build a family, it is not going to provide a golden ticket to reproductive success.
“It will not eliminate the sadness or fear,” he writes. “For most couples who struggle with infertility only the arrival of a baby can accomplish that.”
However, it will break down the issue — from the physiology of conception to halachic considerations to rabbinical supervision. And if nothing more, it will provide a means to understanding.
This mammoth compilation of essays is a single-source reference for the infertile couple, their doctor and their rabbi. First and foremost, “Overcoming Infertility” acknowledges the necessity of all three parties working together.
Grazi, who is the director of reproductive medicine at a medical center in Boro Park, Brooklyn, home to one of the largest Orthodox communities in the world, advises the rabbi to know his limitations and not dispense medical advice. He advises the doctor to understand the observant couple’s “special needs.” And he advises the observant couple to seek rabbinical advocacy.
Yes to prayer, he asserts.
Yes, to medical science.
And is there a rabbinical consensus about the rights and wrongs of treating infertility? Absolutely not, Grazi says.
While the book is written for an observant audience, it provides excellent reading for all on the history of reproductive and infertility theory in the Jewish community and the medical world. He exposes infertility-causing myths, from excessive masturbation to nymphomania. With great sensitivity, the book addresses the issue of longing for family in light of “lamentable historical conditions,” referring to the Holocaust.
And if you’re still not quite sure how babies are made, this book will tell you.
The book’s primary shortcoming is also its strength. Written for doctors, rabbis and patients, it can be as overwhelming and weighty as it is helpful. One wonders if the text would be more effective if divided into three books, each written in the language of its intended audience. Still, “Overcoming Infertility” can be seen as much as a reference guide as a narrative exploration of infertility.
“Overcoming Infertility: A Guide for Jewish Couples” by Richard V. Grazi, M.D. (537 pages, Toby Press, $29.95).
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