Word to the wise
1. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
2. No meal is complete without leftovers.
3. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
4. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
5. You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
6. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
7. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann’s.
8. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
9. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
10. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
11. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
12. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
13. Non-Jews leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.
14. Always whisper the names of diseases.
15. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
16. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which lternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
17. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
18. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
19. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4 p.m. in Florida.
Quick quips
1. A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
3. I’m convinced that God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I don’t think I’ll ever die.
4. Adam said to Eve, “I’ll wear the plants in this family.”
5. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, “Let’s see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.”
6. And on the seventh day, God said, “Let there be Danish.”
These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.