How to use an elevator
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Bubbe, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“You’re coming empty-handed?”
Religious division
Two rabbis, one Reform and the other Orthodox, were discussing their respective congregations one day.
The Reform rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, “Why don’t you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?”
The Orthodox rabbi replied, “If you want to know the truth, I don’t really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren’t that interesting and I just can’t have them sleeping together.”
Old friends
Ruby and Sarah are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time, but Sarah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore.
“As I get older, he doesn’t bother to look at me anymore!” Sarah cries.
“How sad for you! As I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day,” replies Ruby.
“Yes,” replies Sarah “but your husband’s an antique dealer!”
Provincial teens
Two teenagers from Chelm were sitting on a hillside discussing the travels they would take someday.
One says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”
The other one turns and says, “Duh! Like, can you see Florida?”