Jokes

Sign up for Weekday J and get the latest on what's happening in the Jewish Bay Area.

Gate check

In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20 “gates” in the fastest time.

The Israeli slalom skier had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal, and on the day of the final race, the crowd waited in anticipation.

The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds, the Swiss sailed in at 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then all eyes focused on the Israeli skier. The crowd waited … and waited … for six minutes they waited!

When he finally crossed the finish line, the exhausted Israeli screamed: “All right, who’s the wisenheimer that put a mezuzah on every gate?”

Some coat

An old Jewish woman is headed home after a long days work in the garment district. Suddenly a man jumps in front of her, throws opens his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks, “This you call a lining?”

Three Jewish mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Union Square talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie: “You know the Chagall painting in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how he loves his mother.”

Minnie: “That you call love? The Mercedes I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son, Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley: “Bubkes. My son, Stanley. Five sessions a week he sees an analyst. And what does he talk about? Me!”