Eternal Jewish truths
• The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
• If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
• WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
• Twenty percent off is a bargain; 50 percent off is a mitzvah.
• No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
• One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
• If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
• Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
• Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
• Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
• A bad matzah ball makes a good paperweight.
• A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
• Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
• What business is a yenta in? Yours.
© david minkoff
The job market
“My son,” says Yetta, “is a physicist.”
“My son,” says Sadie, “is president of an insurance company.”
“My son,” says Becky, “is the head of a law firm and president of the Law Society.”
“My son,” says Hannah, “is a rabbi.”
“A rabbi? What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?”
© david minkoff