Mom’s the word

Things a Jewish mother would never utter:

• Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it too?

• I don’t have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.

• Mother’s Day, Shmother’s Day. You just go to the beach and enjoy yourselves.

• Well, if David’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.

• Of course you should walk to school and back. What’s the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?

• My meeting won’t be over till later tonight. You kids don’t mind skipping dinner, do you?

• If she wants you both to move back East to live near her family it’s fine with me.

• You don’t have to call me every week. I know how busy you are.

• Your father is a saint. You should only be just like him.

• Your wife knows best. Forget about the advice I gave you.

The long wait

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son says, “Why are you so weak?”

The mother says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

The son says, “That’s terrible! Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full if you should call.”