Telling the truth
On Shabbat, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, “Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying, and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus Chapter 28 before next week.”
The following Shabbat, at the start of his sermon, the rabbi asked his congregation, “How many of you have read Leviticus 28?”
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, “Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
Double standard
A rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a man dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel says to the man, “I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven.”
The man replies, “I’m Moishe Levy, taxi driver.”
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, “OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Now it’s the rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I have been a rabbi for 40 years.”
Gabriel looks at his list and says to the rabbi, “OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”
“Hold on a minute,” says Rabbi Himmelfarb, “that man before me was a taxi driver. Why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?”
“Up here, we only work by results,” says Gabriel. “While you preached, people slept — but while he drove, people prayed.”
A fair trade
A man stormed into Moishe’s Bakery and confronted Moishe.
“Do you know what happened to me?” he demanded. “I found a fly in the raisin challah I bought from you yesterday.”
Moishe shrugged and replied, “Nu, so you’ll bring me the fly and I’ll give you a raisin.”