“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me — he said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet.” (Rodney Dangerfield)

“Marriage is a wonderful institution — but who wants to live in an institution?” (Groucho Marx)

“This is the sixth book I’ve written — not bad for a guy who’s read only two.” (George Burns)

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger — comedy is if you fall into a sewer and die.” (Mel Brooks)

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die — I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” (Woody Allen)