Purim: The movie

Thanks to production assistant Daniel Ellsberg, Jr., j. has obtained “The Purim Papers,” a synopsis of the script for the upcoming Jerry Bruckheimer blockbuster film, “Purim: The Movie.”

Despite the high probability of lawsuits, we have opted to print “The Purim Papers” in full:

Voiceover: The Achaemenid Persian Empire. Circa 360 BCE. Thursday.

As a score from John Williams (or someone from Poland who will work for a tenth of the price) swells, the scene fades into a packed Persian banquet hall, panning along the extravagantly attired guests and coming to rest at the head of the table and the throne of King Ahasuerus (James Gandolfini).

As explained in a voiceover (James Earl Jones, God willing), the purpose of this banquet is to celebrate the “end of the Jewish people,” based on a prophesy regarding 70 years of Jewish subjugation, which was filed (erroneously, it turned out) by a non-Jewish accountant at H&R Blockerosh.

In order to degrade his Jewish guests, Ahasuerus decks himself out in the garments of a Jewish priest (handcrafted by the Glebfish family tailors and pressed by their cousin Murray) and serves tuna noodle casserole — heavy on the Miracle Whip — with Riunite.

King Ahasuerus was an intimidating man whom all loathed to interrupt in mid-debauch. After one too many cups of Riunite — and, really everything goes with Riunite — he summons his wife, Vashti (Paris Hilton).

“Hey, how ’bout Vashti comes up here with the Royal Crown and demonstrates her beauty to my nation and ministers — on this pole I’ve just had installed at great expense,” the king says.

Vashti is confused as to why she had to wear a can of soda on her head. The king’s chamberlains explain that Vashti was to wear the actual royal crown — and nothing else. This wouldn’t have been a first for the queen. Still, she texted her agent, who advised against such exhibitionism, at least until the advent of the Internet.

As Ahasuerus lights up a stogie and sneers with anger, his underling Haman (introducing young up-and-comer Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) urges the king to “wipe Vashti off the map.” Ahasuerus obliges, sending henchmen to whack her and dump her body in some brambles off the Garden State Parkway.

Haman tells Ahasuerus that he’s entitled to hold a beauty contest to choose his next wife. The king, never one to mourn his losses, quickly agrees.

A panel of Achaemenid-era has-beens is assembled to judge the contest. In the biggest upset since the Babylon Giants beat the Nineveh Patriots on the last play of the Super Chalice, the judges pick closeted Jew Esther (Natalie Portman). She’s easy on the eyes, performs an adequate clog dance in the talent competition and is able to locate several capitals on a map during the speaking segment — including the ever-elusive Trenton, N.J.

This does not sit well with slovenly but loveable Sanhedrin member Mordechai (Seth Rogen), who adores Esther.

He visits her at the palace, where he overhears a pair of Persian guards plotting to kill Ahasuerus. He informs Esther, who has the guards arrested. Mordechai’s heroism is noted in the Mattieramenid and Rosserosh column of the Royal Chronicle.

Around this time, Haman is promoted to prime minister from his previous job teaching third grade at a Montessori school. He affixes a massive idol (Ruben Studdard) to his breastplate and demands all bow to him.

Mordechai jokes that, as a Jew, he gave up idolatry for Lent. The joke is lost on Haman. In fact, the joke bombs so badly that Haman decides to slaughter every last Jew in Persia — and begin a uranium enrichment program to boot.

Haman casts a “pur” (a “lot,” literally) to determine when he should hold his genocide-a-thon. He settles on the 13th of Adar — it’d probably be a sunny day and all his henchmen could likely get off work. Haman greases Ahasuerus’s palm to the tune of 750 tons of silver to earn the right to slaughter the nation’s Jews, which is finalized when he receives a permit from the Persian Department of Fish, Wildlife and Genocide.

Unfortunately for Haman, he posted his plans on his MySpace page, where they were noticed by user SuperJew123 — aka Mordechai.

In a musical montage set to the Beatles’ “Something,” a weepy Mordechai loafs around the house in his pajamas all day, eats pancakes and cereal for dinner and drowns his sorrows with copious quantities of liquor.

In yet another musical montage, Mordechai has a drunken moment of clarity, and stumbles determinedly through Shushan’s fetid streets to the accompaniment of the Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony.”

He pounds on Esther’s door, a transgression punishable at the time under the Persians’ strict “pounding for a pounding” code.

Esther admonishes Mordechai for his drinking. “You’re drunk!” she cries.

He wipes his mouth and wobbles a bit. “Well, at least I’m something.”

He informs her of the impending genocide. Averting it, he says, will be her life’s purpose.

“You’re drunk!” she continues.

Mordechai then confesses his deep love for Esther — “For God’s sake, you’re the most beautiful Jewish girl in the world. Even when I saw you in ‘The Professional,’ I could tell you were going to be gorgeous — and it creeped the hell out of me because you were only, like, 10 or something. If you can’t talk Ahasuerus out of killing us, who can? Fran Drescher? Amy Winehouse? Good Lord, we need you!”

Naturally, Esther persuades Ahasuerus to give her whatever she desires. And Mordechai and dozens of his allies simultaneously slap their palms upon their foreheads when Esther asks for — a banquet.

After the banquet, Ahasuerus repeats his offer. Esther asks for … another banquet. It turns out, Esther just really liked banquets.

During a late-night Google search for his own name, Ahasuerus stumbles across a cached Royal Chronicle article about Mordechai saving his life. (This was news to the king. He’s not a Chronicle subscriber — he reads the Royal Examiner because it’s free and doesn’t force him to think.)

Ahasuerus asks Haman how best to honor a great man. “Well,” replies Haman, “I always loved dog and pony shows.”

“Great!” answers the king. “You be the dog.”

Mordechai is outfitted in the finest regalia (Glebfish family, again) and led on horseback through the city streets by a sneering Haman. In a scene certain to tickle the kiddies, Haman’s daughter, mistaking her father for Mordechai, dumps a vat of excrement on Haman’s head. In a scene certain to give the kids nightmares, she kills herself when she discovers the error (Producer’s note: Yes, this really occurs in the Book of Esther. Viewers objecting to this crassness should postmark their letters to: Esther, Queen of Persia, 1001 Palace Court, Shushan, Biblical Persia, 94720).

The scene quickly cuts to dinner guests wrinkling their noses as Haman shows up. In her probable Oscar clip, Esther reveals she is Jewish and that a genocide is planned against her people.

“Baby, who’s trying to off you?” shouts Ahasuerus, pulling a large curtain over his 750 tons of silver.

Esther reaches across the table and yanks a mask off of Haman’s face.

“And I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” he shouts before stumbling and inadvertently pawing Esther’s royal derriere.

A crowd of enraged dinner guests frog-march Haman out of the palace. “I’ve got a cunning plan!” shouts one. “Let’s kill Haman.”

The deed is done, and there is much rejoicing. Then the newly empowered Jews slaughter 75,000 of their would-be killers. Predictably, the United Nations labels the Jews as aggressors.

In the film’s final scene, Ahasuerus slaps Mordechai on the back while Esther beams in the background. “You’re my prime minister now, Jew boy!” shouts the king.

They all laugh, and the picture freezes.

Fade to black. Voiceover: “Mordechai and Esther can next be seen in ‘Purim II: Haman’s Revenge.'”

cover design | cathleen maclearie

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi is the managing editor at Mission Local. He is a former editor-at-large at San Francisco magazine, former columnist at SF Weekly and a former J. staff writer.