A lotta chutzpah

The president of Iran was wondering whom to invade when his telephone rang.

“This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We’re officially declaring war on you!”

“How big is your army?” the president asked.

“There’s me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!”

“I have a million in my army,” said the president.

“I’ll call back!” said Mendel.

The next day he called.

“The war’s still on! We have now a bulldozer, Goldblatt’s tractor plus the canasta team!”

“I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now 2 million.”

“Oy gevalt!” said Mendel. “I’ll call back.”

He phoned the next day.

“We’re calling off the war.”

“Why?”

“Well,” said Mendel, “we’ve all had a little chat, and there’s no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.”

The miracle worker

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

The old lady answered, “Miracle, shmiracle … he gave me a longer cane.”