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You know how doctors get medical questions at parties? I had similar experiences once I became a rabbi.

Jews would tell me, in all sorts of settings, that they’d like to connect with Jewish life, but they: didn’t know enough … didn’t think Judaism could offer a spiritual life … were bored by services … didn’t believe in God … were not Jewish according to Jewish law … weren’t from a “stereotypical” Jewish background.

Eventually, these occurrences led me to develop Jewish Gateways — an independent, pluralistic Jewish outreach organization based in the East Bay.

I was reminded again of these experiences by recent reports on research conducted by Steven M. Cohen, a sociologist who studies American Jews.

Among other discoveries, Cohen found that Jewish couples and intermarried couples felt similar degrees of comfort in Jewish environments. Most are at ease in Reform, Conservative or even Orthodox services.

He concluded that the majority of interfaith couples feel they have an open invitation to be part of Jewish life. The real problem, he said, is that they don’t know what to do with that invitation.

“There is a competence barrier,” Cohen said. “It’s not a question of open arms; it’s a question of a helping hand.”

That is what we offer at Jewish Gateways. We’ve discovered that many people who were not connected with Jewish community choose to join synagogues or otherwise engage deeply with Jewish life once they have the personal support, guidance and information they need — the “helping hand.”

When they connect with Jewish life in a meaningful and personal way, and then enter Jewish institutions, people bring their enthusiasm, plus their understanding of what it feels like to be on the “outside.” For example, one of our “grads” joined a synagogue and went on to start a chavurah program there.

Eventually, I found several other pluralistic Jewish engagement endeavors throughout the country. About a year ago we formed a national network. Because these endeavors are local, and not yet part of an identified field for Jewish professionals, we mostly fly under the radar. Yet we see from our experiences that these efforts need to be widespread.

More than 100 years ago, Jews in the United States created Jewish Family Service agencies, Hebrew Free Loan, burial societies and the rest of an infrastructure that helped us become not only Jews, but also Americans. Today, our communities need to offer entrances into

Jewish life with that same level of creativity and dedication.

We who do this open-ended Jewish outreach want to share what we have learned, such as:

• Many adults who are Jewish or of Jewish heritage don’t know much about Judaism. They have good reason to feel uncomfortable entering Jewish environments in which they will not understand what is going on and what is expected of them.

• Someone who is intermarried, the adult child of intermarried parents, a person of color or otherwise outside the mainstream notion of who Jews are “supposed” to be may face additional barriers, such as being met with discomfort or questions.

• Jews need Jewish professionals to respond to their needs and concerns. This may sound obvious, but many Jews’ main perception of Jewish organizations is as places that want to recruit them, tell them what to do, get their donations, and encourage them to attend boring services or follow outmoded rules. Whether true or not, this is what they perceive. It’s up to us to demonstrate otherwise.

• Synagogues are usually not the best entrances into Jewish life, no matter how hard they try. Yes, synagogues are central to Jewish community; yes, they need to be accessible while maintaining their core values and integrity. But synagogues mean prayer, and God, and people who we imagine already know about these things, and already know one another.

• If you feel you’re a “bad Jew,” as many people do, for not knowing, and for not believing in the God you think you’re supposed to believe in, why try an unfamiliar experience, for which people may ask you to pay thousands of dollars, that may leave you disappointed and embarrassed?

We need to create open-ended Jewish environments in which Jews and their family members can build personal relationships with people who can help them access Jewish life in ways that work for them.

“Ways that work for them” does not mean bending Judaism to whatever people want. It means responding to individuals where they are, listening to and respecting their concerns and desires, supporting them to take next steps on their Jewish journeys, and helping them to find their place in Jewish life.

I invite all those who care about these issues to enter into conversation with us.

Rabbi Bridget Wynne is the executive director of Jewish Gateways, which is based in El Cerrito. For more information, visit www.jewishgateways.org.