Presenting our top-secret list of Jewish WMDs — Jewish weapons of mass destruction.
1. Latkes. A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything a health restaurant would put out … In a true latke, the oil remains inside the pancake … They can be eaten with applesauce, but could also be used to shine your shoes or lubricate your car … There is a rumor that a few decades after the Maccabees era, someone lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight months … Not a rumor: Eat a latke and you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.
2. Matzah: Israel’s punishment for escaping slavery … It consists of a simple mix of flour and water — no eggs or flavor at all. When made especially well, can actually taste like a recycled cardboard box … Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time, sometimes far too long … You are advised to eat lots of prunes with it. And if the prunes don’t work, try castor oil.
3. Blintzes. Not to be confused with the German war machine’s “blintzkrieg” … Basically, the Jewish answer to the Crêpe Suzette … Blintzes are actually offered on the menu at IHOP (International House of Pancakes), but no one there knows what the heck they are … Few modern American women will take time to make them if frozen ones can be purchased at the grocery store.
4. Kreplach. Sounds worse than it tastes … There is a rabbinical debate on its origins. One rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into the chicken soup. Another claims it started in an Italian restaurant; the owner yelled at the chef, “Dis a-pasta tests lik-a krep-a!” … Either way it can be soft, hard or soggy; sometimes all three … The amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
5. Bagels. How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon? … Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel. One is that the bagel was first discovered when un-sugared donuts accidentally petrified … Another is that the inventors of the bagel were Norwegians, who couldn’t get anyone to buy lox … Non-Jews have discovered they like bagels. Once available only in onion, garlic, plain, poppy seed and sesame seed, bagels now come in blueberry, jalapeno, apple Dutch crunch and sun-dried tomato (among other varieties) … Ever tried nova lox on a cranberry bagel? Guaranteed to give you indigestion.