Vayera
Bereshit/Genesis 18:1–22:24
Kings II 4:1–4:37
He must have been an individual of great internal fortitude. I’ve seen many a grown man wince and shift uncomfortably in his seat at the mere discussion of circumcision, yet Avraham actually performed this minor surgery on himself in his 90s without the aid of so much as one tablet of pain reliever. No acetaminophen, no aspirin, no ibuprofen.
The opening of this week’s Torah portion presents Avraham recovering as he sits at the opening of his tent, and he receives a visit from HaShem. After all that Avraham has been through, one would expect HaShem to offer a word of thanks or at least a “well done, Avraham!” But the text offers us no clue as to what they discussed; the dialogue is completely absent from the text. But why leave out such critical information as what to say to a friend who is not feeling well? The Torah is a book of instruction (the word Torah is from the same Hebrew root as “hora’ah,” meaning instruction or guidance), and this could have been very useful!
A clue can be discovered hiding in a seemingly unlikely place, at the beginning of next week’s Torah portion, when Sarah passes away and the focus turns to the comfort of mourners. At first glance, the two themes are a far cry from one another. When we visit the sick, we hope they will be healed shortly. When we visit a mourner, we understand that the situation is permanent, and this person will not see his or her loved one until they meet again in the next life.
Yet the two concepts are related on a fundamental level. When one visits a mourner, one is visiting a person who has lost a loved one. Emotionally, they have lost a part of their world and thus a part of themselves. When one visits a person who is ill, that person is suffering from a loss of themselves as well: a loss of their ability to function.
The commentary of the Chizkuni suggests that HaShem never actually said a word to Avraham during the post-circumcision visit. Rather, it was simply quiet time together. This may hold the key to visiting people suffering a sense of loss due to illness or passing. The best comfort that people can offer is contained in their presence, simply in being there.
Sometimes we make awkward statements in these situations that stem from our sense of helplessness. Meant with the finest of intentions but ultimately inappropriate, one commonly hears visitors to the sick or to a house of mourning offer such expressions as “Life goes on,” but it doesn’t, not in the same way. “Buck up, your family needs you to be strong,” as if the person is letting their family down by confronting the issue? “People have it worse,” as if that was some comfort? These are examples of what not to say, yet these phrases are repeated over and over as we search in vain for words that will help.
Jewish law dictates that those who enter the house of a mourner during shiva should remain silent until the mourner speaks to them. Keeping quiet is generally a better alternative to speaking up when there is little to say.
The Talmud (Sotah 14A) quotes Rabbi Chammah, son of Rabbi Chaninnah: “What does the Torah mean that ‘You shall go in the ways of HaShem’? Can a person conceivably go in God’s ways? Rather, it means: Attempt to emulate His behavior… Just as HaShem clothes the naked [in the Garden of Eden], so too you should help to clothe the naked. Just as HaShem visits the sick [here with Avraham], so too you should visit the sick. And just as HaShem comforts mourners [next week’s Torah reading], so too you should comfort mourners…”
We cannot make the person better, and it is beyond our abilities to bring a loved one back to life. We look for a “solution,” but in truth there is no easy answer. Rather than try to provide one, the talmudic passage above teaches us to follow the example set by the infinite creator and simply remain silent.
It’s not about what you say, it’s about being there. Your presence tells the person who is struggling that you care. That you are there for them. That they are not alone. That is the best comfort that you can offer. Shabbat Shalom.
Rabbi Judah Dardik is the spiritual leader at Orthodox Beth Jacob in Oakland. He can be reached at [email protected].