Vayeshev
Genesis 37:1-40:23
Amos 2:6-3:8
The story of Joseph being sold into slavery by his brothers includes many themes that resonate in our lives today: sibling rivalry, parental favoritism and family discord. Vayeshev, which takes these themes to an extreme level, begins a family saga that will lead us through the remaining chapters of Genesis. Jacob gives his youngest son Joseph a coat of many colors. “When his brothers saw that he was the one their father loved, more than any of his brothers, they hated him and could not bear to speak peaceably to him.” The jealousy and strife between the brothers grows to such a high level that the older brothers will plot his death, only to settle for selling him to a caravan of Ishmaelites heading to Egypt.
While we all know that some sibling fighting and rivalry is normal, there is an expectation in our society that children outgrow those hostilities and antagonisms with no lasting ill affect. And that is where we see ourselves differing from Joseph and his brothers. Whereas they were not able, even as young adults, to put aside their hostilities, we believe most modern-day families can and will.
What is interesting to me in revisiting this Torah portion is how many families I see that are still battling the same demons as Jacob and his sons. In Judaism, we talk of creating shalom bayit, or peace in the home. For many families, the single greatest stumbling block to creating that shalom bayit is sibling discord. Even if not at the level of strife Joseph encountered, sibling antagonism nonetheless can be troubling for parents to watch and hurtful for siblings to endure. Sadly, many parents may contribute, as Jacob did, to their children’s feelings of hostility toward one another by showing favoritism or by pigeon-holing a child and not allowing each child the space to change and grow.
Interestingly, the notion that siblings outgrow negative behaviors and that all is forgotten as they get older is not born out in the Joseph story, nor is it born out in our modern-day society. New research has shown some interesting trends regarding siblings. A fascinating chapter on this subject is found in the 2009 book by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, “NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children.”
The common assumption has been that social interactions with siblings better prepare children for other social interactions in life. It would stand to reason therefore that children without siblings would fare worse socially. However, when researchers looked at this group of children, they found no conclusive evidence that they had worse social skills than children with siblings. Why? Because children actually learn poor social skills from sibling interactions just as often as they learn positive ones.
Dr. Laurie Kramer of the University of Illinois found that sibling relationships are remarkably stable in the long term. If the relationship was based on bossy or controlling behavior, that pattern persisted. Likewise, if the relationship was sweet and considerate that pattern would continue.
She also determined that siblings who fought a lot as children could still form great relationships with each other later in life if their total encounters were weighted toward the positive — the fighting balanced by great times playing in the backyard or building something together.
In my years as a rabbi, I have seen the same thing. It’s fascinating to me how many adults will describe their relationships with their adult siblings in terms of their relationships as children. They still are reliving the patterns — whether positive or negative — established years ago.
The Joseph story reminds us of what happens when the discord goes on too long or becomes too painful. It suggests to us that those childhood wounds are not easily healed. It also can serve as a powerful lesson for parents. One wonders whether Jacob ever expressed to his 12 sons his hope that they would value and support each other. Perhaps the lesson to be learned from Vayeshev is that shalom bayit is worth striving for not just in terms of the peace we will create today but even more importantly for the peace our children may find with each other in the future.
Rabbi Daniel Feder is the spiritual leader at Reform Peninsula Temple Sholom in Burlingame. His columns replace those of Rabbi Larry Raphael. He can be reached at [email protected].