The Commandments
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews. In fact, they really only went to temple once a year. As they were leaving the temple, the rabbi said, “Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year.”
“I know,” replied Bernie, “but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.”
“That’s great,” the rabbi said. “I’m glad to hear it.”
“Yep,” Bernie said proudly. “Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four.”
‘Take a sweater’
If famous people had Jewish mothers, this is what they would say:
Mona Lisa’s Jewish mother: “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?”
Christopher Columbus’ Jewish mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write …”
Michelangelo’s Jewish mother: “A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”
Napoleon’s Jewish mother: “You better not be hiding your report card … Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!”
Abraham Lincoln’s Jewish mother: “Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
George Washington’s Jewish mother: “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance goodbye!”
Thomas Edison’s Jewish mother: “OK, so I’m proud of you that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!”
Paul Revere’s Jewish mother: “I don’t care, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!”
Bill Gates’ Jewish mother: “It would have killed you to become a doctor?”
Bill Clinton’s Jewish mother: “Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.”
courtesy of harryc.com
How it all started
In olden times, a great Chassidic Orthodox scholar is sitting at a wedding reception with his wife (yes, his wife!) next to him. When the dessert arrives, his eyes open wide and he smiles. He then takes a huge slice of cake, then another, then….
His wife glares at him and says, “You really shouldn’t be having that.”
And he replies, “That’s it! From now on, separate seating at all simchas!”
© david minkoff