Dr. Sharon Ufberg and her three children offer advice about family, love and life. Send your questions to [email protected].
All of my friends have significant others and I’m still single. Fine, I’ve come to terms with that. But I feel like none of my friends are willing to spend an evening with just us, sans boyfriend/husband, and I’m frustrated. When we make plans, they include their boyfriends and husbands without even telling me. I’ve come to expect this and don’t like it so much that I’m pulling away from some friendships that I really treasured. Shouldn’t my friends want a little girl time? How can I get them to understand that I want time with them alone? K.B., San Francisco
Alexis: The divide between the single and taken is never so keenly felt as in these situations. It is likely that your girlfriends want to spend after-work hours with their significant others and see you simultaneously. They’re killing two birds with one stone (I hate that expression!). If you’re so upset by this, talk to your friends about how much you appreciate the time you get to spend one-on-one with them, but also understand that they are a part of a couple now, and as individuated as they may be, you’re no longer No. 1. Next time you make plans, make it clear that this time you want girls-only time. Just don’t expect to spend as much time with your friends if you refuse to share any of that time with their significant others.
Jessica: Aw man, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I can surely empathize with this scenario. I think a good way to get around this is to invite your girlfriend over to your house for dinner, or make plans (like going for pedicures) that clearly signal girl time. It’s important to salvage the friendships you hold dear to your heart, and so speaking up and expressing your need for girls-only time is totally fair. And give your friends a reason, like you can’t share as many things openly when their significant other is around. I believe they can’t share everything they want with you either. So alone time is mutually beneficial.
Sharon: The delicate balancing act of friends and lovers is a saga that never ends. Some couples want to share every moment together, while their friends may crave more one-on-one time. Between work schedules, kids, parents, travel and appointments, it is a wonder anyone has time to make a date with friends at all. Life gets more complicated and requires more compromise when paired, so go easy on your friends while you sort out some of those girl time moments.
Saul: As much as the boyfriend/husband loves to hang out with his girl, I guarantee that he will be more than happy for the girls to go have their own time. I can picture him just stretching out on the couch or spending that time hanging with some guys, watching a ballgame or dusting off the PlayStation 3.
Dr. Sharon Ufberg is a Napa-based radio host, journalist, consultant and integrative health practitioner. Her daughters live in San Francisco: Lawyer-turned-writer Alexis Sclamberg, 28 and married; and hair colorist Jessica Sclamberg, 26 and single. Saul Sclamberg, 24 and single, studies chiropractic in Los Angeles. Read more at http://r-2-cents.com.