Millions and billions

A physicist is giving a lecture at a Jewish seniors residence. He’s explaining that, in 41⁄2 billion years, the sun will exhaust itself of fuel and burn out and all life as we know it in the solar system will end.

Upset, Saul Epstein yells out, “Is there anything we can do, professor? Can we form any congressional committees, or donate money for research?”

The physicist responds, “Sir, why are you so upset? This won’t happen for 41⁄2 billion years?”

“Oh, thank God,” Saul says. “I thought you said 41⁄2 million.”

My best friend

Maurice meets his friend Sidney walking along the street near the JCC in St. Louis.

“What’s the matter Sidney?” asks Maurice. “You’re looking a bit agitated.”

“It’s probably because I’ve just learned that my wife, Gertrude, has run off with my best friend,” replies Sidney.

“Oy vey,” says Maurice. “I’m sorry to hear this. But how could your best friend do this to you? And who is he, this ‘best friend’ of yours?”

“I have absolutely no idea who he is,” replies Sidney. “But he’s certainly my best friend now.”

© david minkoff

Big deal

This is a true story, not a joke.

Milton Berle, the late comedian, once went to hear a new cantor sing the Kol Nidre.

When asked if he thought that the cantor’s voice was magnificent, Berle replied, “Big deal. If had his voice, I’d sing just as good.”