Lost and found

An elderly Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the captain announces:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. Unfortunately, this island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued, and we’ll have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.”

The husband turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we turn off the stove?” and Esther replies, “Of course.”

“Esther, are our life insurance policies paid up?”

“Of course.”

“Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Jewish federation?”

“Oh my God,” she exclaims. “I forgot to send the check!”

“Thank heaven!” he replies. “They’ll find us for sure!”

No laughing matter

David meets Arnold at their social club and asks how Abe’s funeral went the other day.

“It went OK, David,” replies Arnold, “but at the end of the rabbi’s eulogy, I had to try and stop myself from laughing aloud.”

”Why was that?” asks David.

”Well,” says Arnold, “Miriam — you know, his wife — she was always telling me how mean a man Abe was. He never had a steady job and the money he brought home to her wasn’t enough for food and clothing, let alone any vacations. And how he drank heavily and sometimes stayed out all night gambling. But at the funeral, the rabbi spoke of how wonderful the deceased was — so considerate, so charitable, so beloved, so thoughtful to others.

“Then, when the rabbi had finished, I heard Miriam say to one of her children, ‘Do me a favor, Charlie, go see whether it’s your father in the coffin.’ ”