Take that

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, “Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”

“What did it say on the banners?” Obama asks.

Mahmoud replies, “United States of Iran.”

Obama says, “You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because, believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”

Mahmoud asks, “What did it say on the banners?”

Obama replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”

He said, she said

Maurice and Linda are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning. Linda says to Maurice, “Since you get up first in the morning you should make it. Then we won’t have to wait too long for our coffee.”

“But you’re in charge of all the cooking,” replies Maurice. “That’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don’t mind.”

“But it says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee,” says Linda.

“What?” Maurice responds. “No way. You’re lying. If you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again.”

That afternoon, Linda borrows a Christian Bible from her neighbor and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says “He brews.”

Riddle me this

Mendel Kravitz, 84, was hit by a car and lay bleeding on the sidewalk. A policeman arrived on the scene and, glancing at the victim, immediately called for an ambulance and a priest.

The priest arrived first, and bending over Kravitz, he asked, “Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?”

Kravitz lifted his head, opened his eyes wide, and turned to the crowd that had gathered around him. “I’m laying here dying and he’s asking me riddles!?” n

From “The Big Book of Jewish Humor”