Most of us are naturally — logically — skeptical of anyone who claims to know “the secret to happiness.” But according to Tal Ben-Shahar, the Israeli-born psychology professor and author of four best-selling books on happiness, there are actually a number of concrete steps people can take to improve their quality of life, feel more gratitude and see the world in a positive way.
Some of them — like “stop constantly trying to be happy” — might surprise you.
“Many people expect to be happy all the time, to experience a constant high … [which] will inevitably lead to disappointment and to unhappiness,” Ben-Shahar said a week before his sold-out talk Monday, March 4 at the JCC of San Francisco (it will be streamed live at www.jccsf.org).
“The idea of allowing ourselves to experience ‘imperfect’ emotions such as envy or anger or fear or sadness is central to a happy and fulfilling life,” he added.
Born near Tel Aviv in 1970, Ben-Shahar moved to the United States in 1992. He earned a B.A. and then a Ph.D. from Harvard, where he later taught what would come to be known as the most popular course at the school, “Positive Psychology.”
Having since relocated back to Israel, he tours internationally, lecturing on leadership, ethics, self-esteem, goal-setting and more. His books “Happier” and “Being Happy” have been translated into 25 languages; in 2010 he co-founded Maytiv, the Center for Research and Practice in Positive Psychology in Herzliya.
The author said the most surprising thing he’s learned in his work is that humans have a built-in ability to actually change their brains through consistent practice, be it “meditation or exercise or expressing gratitude or focusing on the positive.
“Neuroscientists call it neurogenesis and neuroplasticity,” he said. “With persistence, we can significantly impact the way we view and experience the world.”
Another key concept he stresses in lectures is that many people need to reassess how they view the cause-and-effect relationship between success and happiness.
“Most people have it wrong,” he said. “We know from a great deal of research that success, at best, leads to a spike in one’s happiness levels, but the spike is temporary.
“But while success does not lead to well-being, the opposite is true,” he continued. “When we experience positive emotions, we are more creative, more motivated, form better relationships and are physically healthier. Organizations should invest in their employees’ happiness as an end in itself, and also as a means toward higher profits. Happiness pays.”
Here are abridged versions of Ben-Shahar’s seven basic happiness lessons:
Give yourself permission to be human. Rejecting our emotions leads to frustration and unhappiness. We are a culture obsessed with pleasure and believe that the mark of a worthy life is the absence of discomfort. The paradox is that when we give ourselves the permission to experience painful emotions, we are more likely to open ourselves up to positive ones.
Happiness lies at the intersection between pleasure and meaning. At work and at home, the goal is to engage in activities that are both personally significant and enjoyable. Even an hour or two of this kind of experience can affect the quality of an entire day or week.
Happiness is mostly dependent on our state of mind, not on our status or the state of our bank account. Our level of well-being is greatly determined by what we choose to focus on and by our interpretation of external events. Do we focus on the empty part or the full part of the glass? Do we view failures as catastrophic, or learning opportunities?
Simplify! We are, generally, too busy, trying to squeeze more activities into less time. Quantity influences quality, and we compromise on our happiness by trying to do too much. Knowing when to say “no” to others often means saying “yes” to ourselves.
Remember the mind-body connection. What we do or don’t do with our bodies influences our mind. Regular exercise, adequate sleep and healthy eating habits lead to both physical and mental health.
Express gratitude whenever possible. We too often take our lives for granted. Learn to appreciate and savor the wonderful things in life, from people to food, from nature to a smile.
The most important source of happiness may be the person sitting next to you. The No. 1 predictor of happiness is the time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. Appreciate them and savor the time you spend together.