Top 10 signs it’s too hot in shul

10. The Shabbat candles self-ignite.

9. The bar mitzvah boy gets pelted with ice cubes.

8. The synagogue building capital campaign has been replaced with the A/C Fund.

7. You’re sitting next to a guy wearing nice pants and a tie, but nothing else.

6. There’s a line to get into the mikvah.

5. You’re pretty sure the chazan is just wearing a tallis, with nothing underneath.

4. The rabbi is drinking a Super Big Gulp during Kiddush.

3. The guy called up to lift the Torah drops it when everyone gasps at his pit stains.

2. The handouts (notes and song sheets) come already folded in fan form.

1. You’re hoping popsicles are served at the oneg.

With help from www.bangitout.com

 

Smells like a deli

A man and his wife walk past a new Jewish deli that they’ve been reading great reviews about.

“Did you smell that food?” she asks. “Incredible!”

Being the nice guy that he is, the husband thinks to himself: “What the heck, I’ll treat her!”

So they walked past the restaurant again.

www.jewishmag.com

 

Going undercover

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the synagogue one day, and, as always, Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregants departed.

The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words to him: “You need to join the army of God.”

In hushed tones, Moishe replied, “But I’m already in the army of God, rabbi.”

The rabbi questioned, “Then how come I don’t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and  Yom Kippur?”

Moishe whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

www.jewishmag.com

 

Not joking around

The typical American person will laugh three times: When he hears the joke, when he understands it and when he repeats it.

A German person will laugh when he hears the joke. He doesn’t repeat it.

A Russian laughs when he understands the joke.

A Jew doesn’t laugh. He already heard the joke.