Funny and true
Excerpts from “The Optimist Sees the Bagel, the Pessimist sees the Hole: Life’s Little Jewish Instruction Book” by Leonard Sorcher:
If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It’s not who you know, it’s who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
Who else could have invented the 50-minute hour?
WASPs leave and never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; 50 percent off is a mitzvah.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Never pay retail.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d’oeuvre.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
If your name was Lipschitz, you’d change it, too.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
A bad matzah ball makes a good paperweight.
A shmatta is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.