The last round-up

Benny is close to death and knows it. He’s in a bed in his local hospital and around the bed are his wife, Sadie, his son, Morris, his daughters, Leah and Fay, and his nurse Marilyn.

Suddenly, with a weak voice, Benny starts talking to his family.

“Morris, I want you to take that set of apartments over in Boro Park.

“Leah, I want you to take the group of houses on Prospect Park West.”

“Fay, I want you to take the kosher restaurants on Franklin Avenue.

“And Sadie, my dear lovely wife who has been so good to me all my life, please take all the houses near the Maimonides Medical Center.”

Marilyn is totally shocked when she hears of all this property, and as Benny slowly slips away, she quietly says to Sadie, “Your husband must have been an extremely hard working and successful businessman.”

“Why do you say this?” asks Sadie.

“Because he accumulated such a lot of property,” replies Marilyn.

“Property shmoperty,” Sadie says. “Don’t be silly. The shmuck was a milk man.”

© david minkoff

What I learned in Hebrew school

According to information we received, the following lessons were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (for example, incorrect spelling has been left in):

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Good for the soul?

A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy are playing in a sandbox. The Catholic boy says, “Our priest knows more than your rabbi!” To which the Jewish boy replies, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”