Rachel Biale, MSW, is a Berkeley-based parenting consultant who has been working with parents of very young children for more than 25 years. Send questions through her Facebook page, Parenting Counseling by Rachel Biale, or via [email protected].
Oy, I’ve had it with monsters! It’s been weeks since Halloween, and my 31⁄2-year-old son is still terrified. I am not exaggerating. He not only talks about being afraid of monsters, zombies, ghouls, etc., he literally shakes in his room at bedtime. He’s also been waking up scared in the middle of the night, and we must sit with him until he calms down and goes back to sleep.
We’ve been alternating between taking it seriously and assuring him we’ll protect him, and dismissing it by saying, “There’s no such thing as monsters.” We may have made it worse with inconsistency, but one minute he gets that there are no such beings and this approach works, and in the next he’s trembling in fear. I wish I could outlaw Halloween, but short of that, do you have any suggestions? — Mom in “Cape Fear”
Dear “Cape Fear” Mom: The lingering shadow of Halloween … such a common phenomenon, especially when it falls in that in-between period of a child’s life (usually ages 3 to 4) when reality as we know it (or, I should say, as we used to know it before all the virtual stuff hit us) is not yet firmly established in his mind.
Not that older kids cannot be frightened out of their wits by monsters and other imaginary beings — or many adults, for that matter — but they have more tools to reassure themselves (with your support) that these creatures can’t really hurt them.
Let’s begin by making a vital distinction between the object of fear and the feeling of fear. While the former is not real — and you can say it, explain it, try to prove it by material observation and reasoning — the latter, the emotion of fear, is 100 percent real.
You need to first help your child cope with how it feels to be afraid (this is true at all ages). Draw up a list of things she can do when she’s afraid, including telling you about it, getting a hug from you, singing a “brave” song, etc. Make sure the list includes some things she can do on her own.
For your 31⁄2-year-old, there are additional measures you can take that capitalize on his specific vulnerability — his inability to clearly distinguish between reality and fantasy. He is developmentally in the “magical thinking” stage, which means he believes that what he conjures up in his mind is real. He can really hold on to the belief that he might be able to fly one day, if only he gets the right cape, powder and incantation. In the same way, he would believe (at your suggestion) that he could chase away the monsters with a magic wand, a secret word or an “anti-monster spray.”
Here’s a simple plan:
• Start by telling him you can see he’s scared: The feeling is real.
• Reiterate that monsters are not real, but don’t dwell on that.
• Make a poster together, writing, “No monsters allowed in this house!” Read it out loud to him and then decorate it together with colors, stickers and glitter — anything that he thinks will scare away monsters. Hang the poster on the door to his room and show it to everyone.
• Give him a flashlight and/or spray bottle (there’s actually a company that makes Monster Defense Brave Spray — it looks official! — to shoo away monsters).
• Conduct a “Monster Survey” of his room each night before bedtime, assuring him it’s free of any scary creatures.
• Let him sleep with the light on.
• Give him a plush fierce/brave animal such as a lion, dinosaur or bear (let him pick!) as his nighttime companion. Superman PJs may help too.
If the middle-of-the-night waking persists, put a mattress on the floor and tell him you’ll sleep in his room for a few nights to help him not be afraid. Say: “I’ll be here all night, so you don’t need to wake up.” If he does, reassure him immediately.
With your benign presence and reassurance, some of these magical elements and a bit more time, you should be out of “Cape Fear” very soon.