Jonathan Harris, the Advice Mensch, is a synagogue administrator and writer-editor living in San Francisco with his wife, three daughters and an ungrateful cat. He can be reached at [email protected].
My extended family will be gathering soon to celebrate my grandmother’s 90th birthday. She is a spry old lady who takes a strong interest in all her grandchildren and doesn’t miss a trick. My cousin, a 29-year-old doctor, recently became engaged to another woman whom she wants to bring to this birthday celebration. Unfortunately, our grandma is a politically and socially conservative person who has expressed opposition to gay marriage and thinly veiled disgust at what she calls the “homosexual agenda.” I feel like this event is for my grandma, that she’s too old to change, and that my cousin should leave her fiancée at home in the interest of respect. Am I wrong? — Emily
Dear Emily: You are right that this event is about your grandma, and Mensch commends you on that observation. Too often, people use celebrations and commemorations as an excuse to grab center stage. However, bringing one’s fiancée to an important family gathering is entirely appropriate. You likely wouldn’t have the same concerns if your cousin were engaged to a man. You also are correct that your grandmother deserves respect. However, respect does not flow in only one direction. Your cousin is an educated adult with a career and a committed relationship. She deserves respect as well, Granny’s and yours.
Furthermore, Mensch thinks you are incorrect in assuming your grandmother is too old to change. Often, exposure to something heretofore unfamiliar and maligned enables people to realize their fear of it is irrational. Assuming your grandmother loves your cousin, meeting her fiancée and seeing the happiness in their relationship may very well defuse the prejudice she’s been harboring. If it doesn’t, it may indicate not that she is too old to change but rather that she is too bigoted.
I am blessed with many caring and wonderful friends who value having me in their lives. They often tell me I am a great listener (I’m in the helping profession) and how much they count on me when they are feeling down and in need of advice. Unfortunately, I am finding that I am constantly forced to listen to this one and that one’s latest crisis day in and day out. It’s a never-ending merry-go-round of calls, texts and emails from more than one person. Some are barely even friends! Many days I can’t even get my own work done! I care … I really do … but I also feel taken advantage of. I know I need to set limits, but I just don’t know how. I like being the “go-to friend,” but something’s gotta give! Help! — Deb
Dear Deb: As many of us often do, you find yourself with a problem entirely of your own making. Your own language in framing this dilemma provides clues to its solution.
How is it that you are “constantly forced” to listen and respond to friends seeking advice outside of your work? Who is forcing you? You know you need to set limits but find doing so contradicts your desire to be the “go-to friend,” even when some people pestering you are “barely even friends.” You are in a “helping profession” and yet often you find yourself too distracted helping people to complete your work (which involves helping people).
Mensch appreciates your impulse to help and is not interested in tripping you up or finding fault. Our phones and our friends have a way of interrupting us when we ought to be engaged in something else. The trick for you would seem to be twofold.
First, realize you have a choice. Time is a limited resource, and in choosing one task, such as answering a casual and invasive text, you are choosing to delay a more important one, such as serving someone truly in need.
Second, prioritize your professional obligations and close friends. If you receive an appeal for advice via call, text or email from someone outside those categories, simply explain you are slammed with work, on deadline, and that you cannot engage at the moment. The less you indulge acquaintances with attention, the less frequently they will seek it. And remind yourself that, in making these changes, you are working toward being an even better “go-to friend.”