I have always had a strong connection to Judaism, and navigating through a terrible tragedy has only solidified this relationship, providing comfort during my most despairing moments. On a recent Shabbat, the teenage son of longtime friends took his own life. We have raised our children together and his death has shaken our whole community to its core. Our Jewish traditions surrounding death and mourning have offered solace, enabling me to get through this most difficult time.
The first call I made was to our rabbi. His insight and solace — drawn from Jewish traditions — helped me to understand what is incomprehensible in times of great loss.
Our rabbi explained that in Jewish tradition, this is not God’s plan and that our friend is not in a better place. In Judaism, living is the best place we can be. I find comfort in knowing this. He said that God was the first to shed tears.
Those words help me reaffirm my faith in God, despite this tremendous loss. While our temple is usually a place to congregate in celebration, I found my greatest comfort in our sanctuary — surrounded by nearly 2,000 members of our community — during this unbearably sad time.
Jewish tradition means that together we filled the grave of our dear friend. The image of teens, parents and grandparents participating in burying our friend is one that time will not erase. However, there was something comforting in knowing that family and friends participated in laying him to rest.
Our friend was part of my middle daughter’s confirmation class, with their confirmation coming up in May. Watching teens shovel dirt onto his casket was something I never imagined possible. Yet it was beautiful to see the confirmation class, with their arms around one other, standing in silence over his filled grave for what seemed like an eternity.
Our tradition of bringing the first meal of condolence for the mourners and sitting shiva with their family gave us a sense of fulfillment as we supported them, prayed, sang songs and shared stories to honor a teen’s blessed memory.
These incredibly meaningful Jewish traditions have helped me in the initial stages of grieving and beginning the process of emotional and spiritual healing. Friends who are not Jewish shared that they now want to be Jewish because they were so moved by the comfort given by our rabbi and by our rich traditions, which bind us together in meaningful ways.
Our temple provided an opportunity for us to gather and discuss our feelings in a safe and sacred place. We shared that the term “committed suicide” doesn’t feel right, implying that the teen had done something wrong, and insulting a loving and caring family that did everything they could to help their son. It also implies that those who take their lives think they have some sort of choice. We spoke about mental illness — opening up and supporting one another — and we prided ourselves on our sukkat shalom, our shelter of peace.
Judaism is part of who I am — my traditions, my values and beliefs — and now I realize it is much more. Being Jewish gives me a deeper understanding across all life stages. It has given me the tools to mourn and helped ease the pain of this tragic loss. Judaism gives me comfort through life’s journey, even when this path has steep hills and unmanageable curves. It gives me a community that shares in my values and beliefs, one that stands by my side during a difficult time. And that’s comforting.
Andrea Sobel is marketing and communications director at Gideon Hausner Jewish Day School in Palo Alto. She is a board member of Peninsula Temple Sholom.