Coming from a nonobservant family of Jewish immigrants in the former Soviet Union to Israel, a country where many people tend to lead secular lifestyles to begin with, I wasn’t raised in a particularly religious environment. In fact, I can count on one hand the times that I stepped foot in a synagogue during my childhood.
But one aspect of the Jewish faith that has always appealed to me — and likely appeals to many other Jews — is its introspective morality. Every fall, in advance of Yom Kippur, we look back on the past year, determine whom we have wronged, and try to atone for our interpersonal sins with sincere apologies.
Around the time of Yom Kippur last year, I felt that I had unintentionally offended an old friend of mine, and decided to make an apology. Belief in God or prayer aside, this felt like the decent thing to do.
Without too much thought about the medium, I made the apology through a Facebook message. Although the apology was accepted, I later questioned whether I had handled this the right way.
In today’s fast-paced world, in which many social interactions are already conducted online, can apologizing on social media be considered true atonement? I surveyed a few Jewish religious leaders across denominations on the subject.
Popular Jewish blogger and social media expert Rabbi Jason Miller strongly argues against technology-facilitated atonement.
“I’m a fan of face-to-face communication or, when not possible, a phone call. It’s important for people to hear your voice when you apologize. Sending an email, text message or Facebook message is a good start, but it’s not sufficient for the performance of teshuvah [atonement],” Miller says.
Yet Miller does acknowledge that “our communication preferences change as new technology emerges,” which “means that what our society considers acceptable for sincere communication, like asking for forgiveness before Yom Kippur, also changes.
“There was a time when it wouldn’t be considered appropriate to perform teshuvah over the phone,” he says. “That changed as people moved farther away and there were not opportunities for face-to-face communication. Soon, email and then texting became ‘tacky’ ways of performing teshuvah — until these were the most common ways that we engage with each other.”
Even so, Miller maintains that face-to-face communication should remain the preferred mode of teshuvah, because it is much more difficult to ask for repentance in person.
In fact, according to Rabbi Joshua Rabin, director of kehilla enrichment (organizational development) at the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, people often tend to apologize via social media “because sometimes it’s just easier to type a message to somebody than to look them in the eye.”
Rabin says that these days, when “more and more people use technology — whether it’s text messaging or social media — to communicate with each other about important things, it actually is all the more reason why a face-to-face personal apology is the most meaningful thing you can do. It’s that much different from the typical option.”
The one exception, Rabin argues: If the wrong you committed was through social media.
“If you were to write a really nasty tweet about somebody,” he says, “I think that any teshuvah process should involve your actually apologizing through that medium to begin the process, because that’s where the wrong was committed.”
Rabbi Roni Handler, director of community learning for the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College and executive editor of Ritualwell.org, also believes that if the sin is directly connected to social media, “there’s actually something really powerful about stating that [apology] online.”
For instance, “If we are atoning for something like spending too much time on social media and not paying attention to our family, then putting out a statement like that might serve to hold us accountable and show our recognition of having a problem in this area,” she says.
In the Reconstructionist movement, Handler says, “we value community a lot, and obviously the face-to-face community is really special and powerful … I don’t know that [social media] should replace face-to-face connection, but we do recognize that community is important, and there are a lot of different ways to connect.”
And while posting a public apology has its place and value, Handler adds, in many cases it should be just the first step on the way to teshuvah. Regarding direct messages on social media, their suitability for atonement “depends on the relationship itself.”
Rabbi Esther Lederman, director of communities of practice at the Union for Reform Judaism, also cautions against making a mass apology on social media, because forgiveness in the Jewish tradition must be sought “directly from the person you have hurt,” Lederman says. It is “also about repairing the relationship, which can’t be done anonymously.”
Additionally, when it comes to apologizing to someone directly via social media, Lederman believes that the medium is less significant than the intention of the apology. “I’ve had very meaningful exchanges by chat and email, although I am also someone who prefers to communicate with a person by voice,” she says.
Lederman says she fears a world in which “technology will replace the real human-to-human contact that is necessary for sacred engagement.” If this occurs, she says, “What is the point in gathering together as a community at an appointed time? I believe there is a sacred purpose to that and I don’t want email, Facebook or Twitter to ever replace this.”
Rabbi Mordechai Lightstone, the social media editor of Chabad.org, emphasizes that the most important aspect of atoning for interpersonal transgressions is the understanding that forgiveness in Judaism centers on how the aggrieved person receives the apology. If that person feels they were apologized to in the right way, then whatever the medium is becomes less significant.
“When we wish to truly convey the emotional impact of our words, we must make sure we truly understand how they will appear,” Lightstone says.
That appearance, in turn, will differ depending on the recipient of the apology.
“To some, nothing short of a phone call before Yom Kippur would be considered a serious and honest form of asking for forgiveness,” says Lightstone. “To others, the very thought of a phone call would be considered unnecessary and even socially awkward. It takes a true understanding of who your friends are to really know the best way to reach out.”
Lightstone, therefore, probably would not consider my decision to apologize via Facebook wrong, as long as the apology was truly accepted.
“If I’m able to truly convey my heartfelt remorse with an emoji and a short message, and I know that the person receiving it will be fully comforted, or even prefer that text [over a phone call or face-to-face apology], then I’m happy to do so,” he says.