Jonathan Harris is a synagogue administrator and writer-editor living in San Francisco with his wife, three daughters and an ungrateful cat. He can be reached at [email protected].
My daughter, who was not raised in an Orthodox home, married an Orthodox Jewish man in Israel about five years ago and adopted a very traditional lifestyle. When my husband and I visited them in Israel, whether for Pesach or to celebrate the birth of their children, we never felt very welcome by her husband or his family. About a year ago, we learned they would be moving back to the Bay Area for work and were thrilled about the opportunity to build a closer relationship with our grandchildren. Unfortunately, this has not been the case. My daughter’s husband remains very resistant to the children spending time with my husband and me and virtually forbids their being alone with us. We would like to take our grandchildren to the zoo, museums and baseball games. But the only time we get to see them is if we visit our daughter’s home and under the watchful, mistrusting eye of her husband. My husband says California allows grandparents to go to court and sue for visitation. But I think doing so would further alienate us from our daughter’s family. Any advice for how we can be the Jewish grandparents we want to be? — Sally
Dear Sally: Do not go to court. First of all, grandparents have no legal right to visitation in California when the parents of the grandchildren in question are married and living together. Second, taking legal action against one’s own kid, for pretty much any reason, is a shanda.
However, Mensch feels for you and your very painful predicament. The relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren should be one to enjoy and cherish on both sides. You and your grandchildren are being deprived of a profound happiness. The question remains, what can you do to get closer to where you would like to be?
It seems clear your son-in-law has reservations about your presence in the lives of his children. You have not mentioned whether your daughter shares these reservations, though it would seem she is standing with her husband in this matter. Have you spoken with her privately about your desire to be close with the grandkids? Maybe she can explain why the relationship has been strained. Maybe she can suggest a path toward alleviating that strain. Be careful, however, to avoid the impression that you are attempting to subvert the wishes of her husband. Whatever the factors preventing him from welcoming you and your husband as mishpocha, you do not want to add to them by appearing sneaky.
Your daughter and husband lead an Orthodox life while you and your husband do not. It is not uncommon for highly religious parents to keep their children sheltered and apart from more secular environments. On the other hand, plenty of Orthodox Jewish parents are willing to allow their children to spend time with less observant family and friends if they are confident certain guidelines, such as kashrut (dietary laws) and tzniut (modesty in dress and behavior), will be observed and respected. Perhaps if you can demonstrate to your daughter and her husband that you understand and value their religious commitment and will fully honor the rules they have set for their children, they will allow you to spend more time with the kids.
Of course, respect flows in all directions. And perhaps your daughter and son-in-law need some reminding that, like all of us, they are commanded to honor their parents. Additionally, the Torah has something to say about grandparenting. In Parashat Vayechi, Jacob calls his 12 sons to his deathbed for a blessing. However, before he blesses his sons, Jacob offers a blessing to two of his grandchildren, Ephraim and Menashe. To this day, Jews bless their sons and grandsons with the words, “May the Lord bless you as Ephraim and Menashe.” So the Torah, not to mention pretty much all of humanity, elevates the importance of the relationship between grandchild and grandparent.
Don’t give up. Certainly the best chance you have at creating a strong and joyful bond with your grandchildren is to keep trying.