What if today were our last chance to speak to our parents or children, our last opportunity to share what’s in our heart and mind?
We like to think we have lots of time to clear up misunderstandings, forgive wrongs and resolve unfinished emotional issues. Actually, none of us knows how much time we do have. That’s why it’s vital to initiate the crucial conversations that parents and children need to have before it’s too late.
Too often, when a parent dies, we’re burdened with feelings of anger, guilt, shame, doubt, abandonment and regret about a relationship that is central to our life. These feelings, often unconscious, infrequently articulated, interfere with our ability to move “cleanly” through grief. Having these conversations from the heart before it’s a “race to the bedside” situation gives us a chance to listen and learn. If we’re lucky, we also get to repair relationships that mean so much to us.
Parents and children don’t like to think that money and love have any relationship to each other. Unfortunately, this is a myth; money insinuates itself into family relationships whether we like to admit it or not.
Under the best of circumstances, money is a touchy and often difficult subject. In the context of discussing inheritance or financial planning, the resistance increases and the discomfort is magnified tenfold.
While we may have loving relationships with all of our children, a will to them is the parent’s final report card. Perceptions of fairness, equality, rivalry, jealousy and favoritism rise to the surface even in families where siblings get along. Families can be ripped apart by inheritance issues that children consider unfair.
That’s why it’s vital to move past the resistance that keeps us from opening the crucial conversations with our parents or children. They’re crucial because they deal with memories we may have buried, regrets we may not realize we have and amends we may want to make.
The details will vary in every family story; the common thread is the same. Something happened, it wasn’t understood, discussed or forgiven. It can lay the foundation for family dynamics from then on unless we try to untangle what’s really happening.
Why do people postpone conversations about crucial but difficult subjects? Why are death and inheritance so hard to talk about? Social custom teaches us that it’s rude to pry into our parents’ affairs or to raise subjects with our children that will make them uncomfortable.
Parents can take practical steps to provide our children with information they need to have. Creating a legacy binder is a useful way to pull together important papers about financial, legal, medical and end-of-life preferences.
A list of documents to keep in the binder is available at www.moneyloveandlegacy.com. Children should know where the binder is located. If parents don’t want to disclose financial information, they should at least have their financial and legal contacts listed in case the children need them. Many people prefer to keep their will at their lawyer’s office. Funeral preferences should also be available in the binder because that is the first thing children will have to deal with.
The other kinds of conversations, the ones that deal with unfinished emotional business, are as important as the practical ones. They can also be more difficult to navigate. Keep these conversations informal and confidential, and meet separately with each child. Here are a few suggestions to open the conversations:
• What could I have done differently?
• What do you need from me now to move forward?
• Do you know much I love you?
• What are your concerns about inheritance?
• What is the most important thing you want me to know?
• What are you most grateful for?
By speaking with respect and inviting all concerned to reveal what’s in their minds and hearts, you will be leaving each child a legacy of trust and love.
Helga Hayse of San Mateo is the author of “Money, Love & Legacy: Conversations that Matter between Generations.” For a free copy of her book, email [email protected].