The warning bells have been sounding for years in inner-city neighborhoods, but we didn’t want to hear them. Now the headlines of Springfield, the Scheinbein case, and Jonesboro send shivers up our spines.
Conventional wisdom immediately turns to gun control, metal detectors, harsher prison sentences for adolescents, as well as a review of the laws for violent offenders who are minors. While safety and security issues are vital, we still wonder, “What do teenagers really want and need in their lives?”
Over the past year I have crisscrossed America talking to Jewish teens about cutting-edge issues. In every city, they ask the same questions: “Why aren’t our parents talking to us about violence, murder, suicide, depression and drugs? Why aren’t our parents involving us in family matters? Why isn’t anyone talking to us and answering our questions?”
Who are these children? They are our future. They are the next Jewish generation. Some of them will become leaders of the Jewish people. These are the children who are asking these questions.
I firmly believe that our children’s message to us is, “Talk to us!” I also believe this is the real message behind the fear and pain stalking the headlines and frightening our communities. Our children need us.
Is it true that we aren’t talking to our kids? Maybe we don’t feel capable of answering the big questions our children need answers for. After all, just what can we say to a question like, “How can children reach a point where murder becomes an option?”
I believe the answer to that question is that we’ve lost sight of how to communicate meaningfully with our children. We fool ourselves by blaming a disjointed society as the cause of our younger generation’s problems.
Let’s face it. Society isn’t going to change dramatically enough to make the headlines disappear. But what can change dramatically are our relationships with our children.
Skillful parenting has more to do with substance than style. Judaism teaches us to not only raise our children with moral and spiritual values, but also to be aware that each child is unique and must be raised “according to their way” (Mishle 22:6). And that, “Every child has their own unique penchants and abilities which must be recognized, respected, responded to, and nourished” (Malbim).
The question standing before every Jewish parent is how to accomplish this. Children learn the most about dealing with life from their parents. If parents don’t provide this substance for their children, who will? Their peers? The television? The local drug dealer?
Adolescence is a time when children most need support, stability and encouragement. The Jewish family is the center stage upon which our children’s destiny will unfold.
How to begin? Here are a few suggestions:
*Stay in touch with your kids’ world — their music and their friends. Make your home a place for their friends. Invite them to a Shabbat or holiday meal.
*Stay in close communication with your child. Don’t use poverty or overwork as excuses. Your most important job is spending time with your kids.
*Be flexible. What worked when your child was 9 is irrelevant at 16. And don’t relive your own childhood. Just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t mean it will work today.
*Don’t let your mistakes as a parent make you stop trying. Children learn mightily from how you deal with life. Tshuvah (repentance) is essential for building character in your teen.
*Being an effective parent depends strongly on having a working relationship with your spouse or ex-spouse. By working together you help build self-confidence and strength in your child. This is at the core of Shalom Bayit —
creating a peaceful home.
*As a parent you don’t have to be perfect. It’s OK to be inconsistent at times. Letting your kid know about how you struggle with important things helps them to engage in their own difficulties.
*When in serious trouble with your teenager, be prepared to get competent professional help. When you are drowning, go find a lifeguard.
*Bring the sweetness of Jewish life into your family. Make Shabbat and other Jewish holidays a time for the family to be together. This builds spiritual value into your children’s life.
*Admit your feelings of discomfort in discussing the “hot topics” (sex, drugs, etc.). Talk about them anyway. Sharing your vulnerabilities builds your teen’s character. It helps them learn to make wise decisions.