Bader, the author of the recent book “Arousal — The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies,” said beneath the surface, a Jewish male’s attraction to the shiksa goddess may have less to do with a visceral physical attraction than with a psychological attraction to what the innocuous blonde image doesn’t contain. Worry, for example. Or stress. Or guilt.
Put bluntly, the shiksa creates physical and psychological distance from the stereotypical Jewish mother.
“It sounds trite and clichéd, but it has a large degree of truth to it,” said Bader, a San Francisco resident. “Blonde equals happy and fun in our culture, and the fantasy is that a blonde Christian woman is wholesome and not burdened by the worries or cares of a Jewish mother. Ultimately, the stereotypical image of the Jewish mother works against sexual desires, because you can’t get aroused by someone you perceive as damaged, stressed out or overwhelmed.”
Sexual arousal — or the lack of it — is the basis of Bader’s book. And, although there is little in the book about Jewish people specifically, Bader nonetheless has some opinions on sexual arousal and how it pertains to Judaism.
A convert to Judaism (Bader was raised in a secular Catholic household, and said the confluence of guilt made his conversion “seamless”) and a regular contributor to the Jewish Renewal magazine Tikkun, Bader said there was much to admire in Judaism’s approach to sexuality.
“One of the things that has always charmed me about Judaism is the injunction or command to have sex on Shabbat,” said Bader. “In addition to being a wonderful convention, it emphatically says that sexuality is cherished and promoted, unlike other religious traditions, which are suffused with guilt.”
Unless, of course, as Bader points out, a person happens to be gay, in which case all injunctions for sexual relations become moot. “Most religions [including Judaism] implicitly place the sanctity of the family with the subordination to sexual passion…meaning that there’s an implicit bias against homosexuality and so-called ‘perverse sex,'” said Bader.
What constitutes “perverse sex” also gets a thorough treatment in Bader’s book. The author contends that most sexual mores have sociological and psychological roots, as opposed biological ones.
“The capacity for physical attraction can certainly be biological, but there are other things in play as well,” said Bader. “While many men may want to procreate with everything they see, that doesn’t take into account what positions they prefer. And there are certainly no antecedents in the animal kingdom for all the various positions that people like to have sex in, so there must be another explanation for it.
“For example, a man who only enjoys sex from the rear may actually be afraid of the intimacy that comes with making visual contact with his partner. I see a moment of attraction as a micro-dot that needs to be unpacked and deconstructed in order to see everything inside of it.”
The main “protagonists” in Bader’s book are guilt and ruthlessness, two forces that Bader believes wage war in the bedroom. Guilt, or empathy, is integral to maintaining a long-term relationship, while ruthlessness must be present in order to maintain sexual interest.
Asked for an example of how ruthlessness comes to play in the Jewish bedroom, Bader offers the archetype of the “nice Jewish girl.”
“She is not someone who you are going to ravage because such a woman would be reminiscent of one’s mother and would be therefore offended by such naked displays of raw passion,” said Bader. “In a way, I think it goes to the ethic of care in Jewish life, which is a very noble thing, but in certain situations goes against sexual passion. There has to be an element of ruthlessness in sex, and in some degree, the ethic of care and concern has to be renounced in bed.”
Although Bader said some people accuse him of being a pessimist, he prefers to think of himself as a realist.
“Couples who are together a long time have more familiarity with each other, which is a great,” he said. “But, on the other hand, with that familiarity comes concern and worry, which…dampens excitement. Sexual chemistry can certainly be imperiled by familiarity, which is, of course, why people have affairs.”
Bader does not have a satisfactory answer for attaining ruthlessness in a long-term relationship, but he did suggest a change of locale and outfits would be helpful.
“Monogamy is the best system for maintaining long-term relationships, but couples really have to be vigilant in guarding against sexual boredom.”