One night Esther Goshen-Gottstein heard her husband make peculiar throat noises — his death-rattle, although she did not realize it at the time. Reaching out, she realized that her husband was cold and called an ambulance. Although the team of doctors managed to resuscitate him, Moshe never regained consciousness and died six days later.
“Surviving Widowhood” gathers her personal experience and recollections into a manual on surviving the death of a spouse. Goshen-Gottstein, a clinical psychologist and author of another volume about her husband’s miraculous recovery from a coma six years before his death, tries to show the reader that it is possible to come to terms with the end of one’s marriage through bereavement, and to learn to enjoy single life once again.
Although the odyssey is often unpleasant and uncomfortable, Goshen-Gottstein deals with a myriad of results of bereavement, and in particular of widowhood. She recognizes the “irretrievable loss” and minces no words, describing it as if “the bottom had fallen out of my life as in an earthquake.”
Interestingly, one of the results of widowhood is not only sadness over the loss of the other, but the sense of loss of self. Goshen-Gottstein discusses wisely and at length those feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy that may result from suddenly being alone. As the book progresses, she offers readers an abundance of tips on how to deal with these emotions and eventually overcome them.
Women who have lost their husbands should not define themselves or allow themselves to be defined merely as “widows,” she says.
She brings examples of widows who carry on with their lives, get their driving licenses, learn how to pay bills, rearrange photos, buy audio equipment and, in general, build lives for themselves.
Goshen-Gottstein, whose husband was a well-known Hebrew scholar, counsels against dedicating oneself to fulfilling the deceased spouse’s life’s work. She concludes that “the naked and unpalatable truth is that the needs of the living have to take precedence over those of the dead.”
The author also acknowledges that many a widow may find herself angry at her spouse for dying and leaving her alone. She decries widows and widowers “sanctifying” their relationships to the point where they cannot let go of their deceased partners.
Other topics broached by Goshen-Gottstein include: forms of speech (“I” as opposed to “we”); the concept of one’s own mortality; choosing to do the things one enjoys; giving away a deceased spouse’s old clothes; wearing wedding rings; dreaming about the deceased; and the eventual lack of guilt when thoughts of the deceased spouse do not invade every waking moment.
A most interesting chapter is “Climbing Alone,” where Goshen-Gottstein describes many of the challenges faced by widows (and, incidentally, many divorced women). “You cannot request that someone get up from the table to bring you salt,” she says. “You yourself have to change the light bulbs.”
The challenge is to become “totally self-reliant and maximally efficient.”
Toward the end, Goshen-Gottstein shares some of her memories of her husband with her readers.
Perhaps the book’s order — beginning with the spouse’s death, and ending with memories of him alive, reflects the real-life experience of a widow or widower. Once the spouse has died, it is only natural to dwell on the last moments of his or her life. But by natural progression, over time, one can also move on to healthier memories, as Goshen-Gottstein does.
Although this book is a useful tool, and the style is upbeat and friendly, it is not an easy read. On the contrary, it is highly depressing, and the mood really only lifts toward the end.
However, anyone who has experienced the death of a spouse and needs assistance, should learn much from “Surviving Widowhood.”