I recently gave in to blackmail. In my eclectic e-mail came a letter forwarded by my Jerusalem synagogue: Would I like “to share in the mitzvah of helping an aguna,” a woman who’d been refused a divorce, “gain her freedom?”
Who could resist the rare opportunity to take part in the mitzvah of redeeming the enslaved, or at least the chained? I read the story of M., a woman who’d come alone as a teen on Operation Moses from Ethiopia to her dreamed-of Jerusalem. In Israel she’d become a dental technician, married and had two children, one of whom is autistic.
M., to whom I later spoke, holds down a morning job in a nursery school and an afternoon job in an implant clinic. Her husband suffers from depression and paranoia and stopped working soon into the marriage. He moved in with his parents in a different city. For seven years M. has been trying to get a divorce. The synagogue letter said that if she gathered enough money, her husband would grant her freedom. There was an impressive list of funds already collected from M.’s parents, relatives, employers, savings and donations.
“If she doesn’t give him the money by this date we are afraid that he will renege on his promise,” the letter said.
Like many others, I sent a modest check. M. is 37 and, as she says, “I hope I won’t have to be alone for the rest of [my] life.”
Divorce in Israel easily becomes an exercise in extortion. Just this week I heard that a recalcitrant husband jailed for five years received his freedom — a $50,000 prize and a month at a five-star hotel — for affixing his name on his wife’s freedom certificate.
Correcting this situation shouldn’t be a contest between women’s groups and the rabbinical authorities. Just the opposite. Rabbis should stand shoulder-to-shoulder to end extortion because of the pain and dishonor it causes.
To whom should Israelis turn for this leadership?
From tax monies, the government provides two chief rabbis to provide inspiration and resolve in Israelis’ religious and spiritual lives. Both rabbis are now involved in embarrassing personal court cases. But they’re not alone in perpetuating this draconian system. Every month, hundreds of marriages are conducted by rabbis who don’t suggest, let alone insist, on prenuptial agreements that would eliminate extortion for those who eventually divorce.
I recently attended a panel discussion on which Israeli women from different religious streams updated a group of female philanthropists from abroad on women’s religious issues. In contrast to many forums in which we Israelis can present proud accomplishments, when the subject of divorce came up, all the female panelists shook their heads in despair. There has been little or no progress (some experts say there’s even been a regression).
Only Rabbi Naama Kelman of the Reform movement had a dubious accomplishment to report. Some 5,000 couples fly to Cyprus each year to get married, she said. More Israelis than Cypriots are now being married on that sunny isle.
And forget the old notion that those who go abroad to marry are all mixed-marriage couples who would not be allowed to marry here. More and more couples buying Cyprus wedding deals at their travel agents are “regular” Israelis who want to avoid dealing with the entanglements of the Orthodox rabbinate. So instead of standing under a chuppah surrounded by their families, they go to a civil authority and break a glass in a town hall.
This makes me very sad, but who can blame them?
About a quarter of those who go abroad also have Masorti or Reform ceremonies, but these are unrecognized in Israel. Ironically, this often creates a safety net for those who are concerned that they might one day be extorted in a divorce settlement. The same rabbis who cannot find the halachic means to end an abusive marriage quickly declare a marriage invalid if the officiating rabbi happens to be a woman like Naama Kelman.
And what of M.? Donations brought in the missing funds, but no divorce has come through. A representative of her husband’s family appeared in court because her husband “was too sick to come.” He wasn’t, however, too sick to make additional demands.
The money is being held in an account to make the deal whenever the husband feels ready. Back in Africa, M. could easily have obtained a divorce by applying to Ethiopian Jewish figures. New immigrants should be warned.
In Israel we have special foreign travel insurance because our young adults go on risk-taking treks, and we have special foreign organ-transplant insurance because we’re so grudging about donating organs. An enterprising insurance company should offer divorce insurance for couples brave enough to marry here.
That would be funny if people’s lives weren’t being ruined, or if our Torah wasn’t being disgraced by the way divorce is handled.
Barbara Sofer is a columnist for the Jerusalem Post, where this column previously appeared.