Despite its somewhat flippant title — “What Do You Mean, You Can’t Eat in My Home?” — Azriela Jaffe’s book is a serious effort to deal with the family problems created by a newly observant Jew. How does such a person maintain harmonious relationships with less observant relatives?
Jaffe, a syndicated newspaper and magazine columnist and author of 13 books, runs a consulting business for home-based entrepreneurs and self-employed professionals. She publishes two e-mail newsletters geared to small business owners.
Jaffe is a ba’alas teshuvah, a Jew raised in a secular, nonobservant Jewish home who as an adult chose to live a Torah-observant life. She “slowly traveled down the path from secular and unaffiliated to committed Reform, Conservative, and, eventually, Orthodox Jew.”
One overt demonstration of her new identity was changing her given name, Linda, to the Hebrew name, Azriela. She now lives in an Orthodox New Jersey community with her husband and three children who attend day schools.
The approach to specific issues that are discussed in detail is motivated and informed by a sincere determination to maintain shalom bayit, peace in the household. A knotty problem is posed by family meal occasions when the hosts are nonobservant parents or close relatives. Jaffe carefully explains how issues surrounding kashrut can be treated without compromising the adherence to keeping kosher. Here, as in confronting other dilemmas, Jaffe offers a “rule of thumb.” She writes: “A loving approach that communicates the value you place on your family and on your relationship with them works a whole lot better than lecturing.”
Observing Shabbat and Jewish holidays creates such questions as “why can’t you answer the phone?” Rather than listing the 39 actions that are prohibited on the Sabbath, Jaffe believes that it will be enough to explain that these laws are obligatory since they are based on the Bible, the Mishnah and Talmud. One way to cope with such issues and those arising from holiday observance is to avoid contact on these occasions, but this means denying the opportunities for happy family interaction that is a feature of the Jewish holidays.
Jaffe believes there are ways to be together with family while maintaining strict observance of Jewish law. She outlines some that do not entail “bending a little,” since she sees any deviation from the laws that govern behavior on Shabbat and holidays as “violating the word of God.” She identifies the kinds of questions that will inevitably be raised and provides answers that will be consistent with the commandment to honor one’s parents.
Chapters are devoted to the laws of modesty and women’s issues, dating practices and married life, family lifecycle events and education. Although Jaffe does a good job of explaining the Orthodox point of view and providing ideas about preventing conflict, occasionally she is at a loss — in which case she recommends consulting a rabbi.
The book has the virtue of being sensitive and practical. Moreover, it is clearly and simply written, making it readily accessible to anyone wishing to strengthen families despite differences in attitudes about religious observance.
“What Do You Mean, You Can’t Eat in My Home?” by Azriela Jaffe. (181 pages, Schocken Books, $23).