Shoftim
Deuteronomy 16:18-21:9
Isaiah 51:12-52:12
As we begin the month of Elul we are reminded that this is the time of the year when we are supposed to apologize and ask forgiveness from each other. Apologizing is not an easy thing to do, especially in our culture in which it is considered a sign of weakness to say “I’m sorry.”
In the Jewish tradition, the ability to say “please forgive me” is considered a sign of strength, not of weakness. And yet these three words, “I am sorry,” are terribly hard for most of us to say.
What I want to do today is offer you some suggestions on how to say these three words. Surely it is difficult for us to begin the High Holy Days and ask God to forgive us until and unless we are first willing to ask the people whom we have hurt to forgive us.
A suggestion that I offer you today on how to ask forgiveness comes from an essay by Joanne Kaufman.
She begins by confessing that she seems by nature to be prone to over-apologizing. An apology has power, but the catch is that it has to be a real apology, a sincere one. Just muttering a couple of syllables under your breath is not enough. Apologizing is a complicated process and you have to do it right if you expect it to be accepted.
A timely apology is the best kind, but there is no statute of limitations. If the apology is heartfelt, then it works — no matter how late it may be offered.
There are some who make apologies that are weak and vague. Dr. Aaron Lazare, the chancellor and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School and the author of a book called “On Apology,” lists a number of pseudo-apologies that we have all heard and that we have occasionally tried to get away with.
One is to say “mistakes were made.” Of course mistakes were made — but by whom? If you can’t say that you specifically made the mistake but can only say that mistakes were made, that does not count as an apology.
Another cop-out is to say, “To the extent that you were offended, I am sorry.” That puts the onus on the other person, not on you. Again, nice try, but it does not count as a real apology.
Another alibi is to say, “If I have hurt anybody, I’m sorry.” The “if” means, I don’t really think I did anything wrong, but if you think so, I apologize. The whole point of teshuvah is to understand that I have hurt someone specific.
The No. 1 thing you have to do, according to Dr. Lazare as well as our sage Maimonides, is acknowledge your sin — you have to name it, you have to be specific about it and you have to take complete responsibility for it.
If you do that, your apology will be accepted, your relationship with the person you hurt will be healed and both you and that person will be lighter and better off.
There are four steps in a genuine apology, and unfortunately none of them are easy:
1. You have to acknowledge and take responsibility for your bad behavior. Step one is to say “I did it.”
2. Express your sorrow. I am sorry that I did it, and that this and that happened as a result.
3. I would like to make amends to the extent that I can. I may not be able to undo all the harm that I did, but I wish that I could, and I will to the extent that I can.
4. I promise you that I will not do it again.
If I have gone on too long or if I have bored you by telling you things that you already know — I hereby apologize, and I hope that you will accept my apology.