Synagogue bulletin boards
• Under same management for over 5770 years.
• Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
• What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
Quick takes
• Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
• My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted she was guilty.
• Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
• It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. “What are my choices?” Moshe asked. ”Yes or no,” she replied.
• An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies, “I make a living.”
• A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name … and forgot to write a letter.”
Out of time
An elderly rabbi retires and is replaced by Rabbi Levy, a bright young rabbi who quickly turns out to be excellent in the performance of all his many duties except one — his sermons are always far too long.
One Shabbat morning, as he is halfway through his usual interminable sermon, Rabbi Levy surprises the congregation when he suddenly stops, looks around at them and says, “You know, I really don’t mind it when I see many of you regularly looking at your watches. But I think it’s going too far when you put your watches up to your ears to check if they are still working. Thank you.”