Different strokes
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race.
They practiced and practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the coach decides to send Dovid to spy on the championship Harvard team. So Dovid shleps to Cambridge, hides in the bushes by the Charles River and watches the Harvard team practice.
After a few days, Dovid returns to Yeshiva.
“I have figured out their secret,” he tells the coach and his teammates.
“What? Tell us what,” the coach says.
“Well, we’ve been doing it all exactly backwards! On their team, one guy shouts and the other eight guys row.”
Spit for spat
Eleazar, a Jew in olden Roman times, finds himself before the gates of heaven, ready to meet his maker, when he is stopped by the patriarch Abraham.
“Eleazar, to meet the Lord, you must be worthy of the honor and you also must recount an instance of bravery,” Abraham tells him.
Eleazar says, “Well, once I found myself before the Roman emperor, and to his face I told him that he was a camel’s behind and an oppressor of the Jews of Jerusalem. And then I spat in his face!”
Abraham is impressed. “When did that occur?” he asks.
Eleazar responds, “About 10 seconds ago.”
Sign of the times?
Rabbi Gelb is walking down the street in Brooklyn’s Jewish section when he is shocked by a sign hanging in front of a building.
The sign reads: “We would rather do business with 1,000 Hamas terrorists than with one single Jew.”
Enraged, the rabbi walks up to the building to go inside and yell at the owners.
But as approaches, he is stopped by a smaller sign: “Chevra Kadisha — Hebrew Burial Society.”