Senior dating scene
Becky and Sadie, two elderly widows at the Temple Beth Shalom, are talking.
Becky: ‘‘That nice Morris Schwartz asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.’’
Sadie: ‘‘Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 o’clock, dressed like such a mensch in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
“Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a limousine — uniformed chauffeur and all.
“Then he takes me out for dinner. Marvelous. Prime rib, champagne and dessert. Even after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Becky, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
“So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal — completely crazy! He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!’’
Becky: ‘‘Goodness gracious, Sadie! So you’re telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?’’
Sadie: ‘‘No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear a shmata.’’
Quiet time
Nine-year-old Ariella and her 5-year-old brother, Joshie, are sitting together in synagogue. Joel is giggling, singing and talking out loud, and finally, his big sister has had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in temple,” she says.
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joshie retorts.
Ariella points to the back of the sanctuary and says, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
Sign of the times
Sign on synagogue bulletin board: “Under the same management for over 5770 years.”
Mail call
Rabbi Shore is opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he finds written on it only one word: “Shmuck.”
At the next Shabbat service, the rabbi announces, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name — and forgot to write a letter.”