Vayechi
Genesis 47:28-50:26
Kings I 2:1-12
Thomas Dorflein was a zookeeper at the Berlin Zoo who skyrocketed to unwanted fame due to a remarkable act of kindness. Four years ago, a baby polar bear in the zoo named Knut was rejected by his mother. Dorflein took it upon himself to hand-rear the cub. So dedicated was he in his care for Knut that he set up a sleeping bag in the enclosure and woke up several times each night to feed him baby formula mixed with cod liver oil.
Unfortunately, Dorflein died two years later of a heart attack at the age of 44. In the aftermath of his father’s death, his 18-year-old son commemorated his father online.
This was not, however, the standard memorial website. Rather, it was through an auction on eBay where the son began to auction off his father’s possessions in order to raise money to buy a headstone for his father’s grave. Given his father’s celebrity status, some of the items fetched significant sums (the sleeping bag went for nearly $2,000). Uncomfortable as this may leave many a reader, this was ostensibly done to provide his father with the burial that he wanted.
We may take it for granted that a child provides his or her parents with the funeral arrangements that they request, but Yaakov didn’t make that assumption. At the opening of this week’s Torah portion, Yaakov lies dying and calls upon his son Joseph, pushing the latter to swear that he will bury him in Israel. But take a look at the wording used (Gen. 49:29-30): “Please, if I have found favor in your eyes, swear to me … and do me a kindness … bury me with my fathers.” Yaakov sounds like he is begging! But why? He is Joseph’s father, not some commoner.
Turning then to the end of the parshah, Yaakov dies and the brothers come to Joseph with a song and dance about how their father sent a message with them that Joseph should be gentle with them. Joseph responds kindly and lets it go. But why didn’t he call them on it? It is such a clear fiction; no such message was ever shared! Why doesn’t Joseph say “Look, I know that isn’t true but you don’t need to worry”? Are we really to believe that they never discussed it ever again? The brothers never even apologized!
The answer may lie in a bit of guidance offered by Rabbi Eliezer the Great on his deathbed (Talmud Berachot 28B): “Know before whom you stand.” This statement is commonly applied to prayer and meant to evoke the sense of standing in the presence of HaShem, but applies to other people as well. We are obligated to know, each time we act and with each word that escapes our lips, before whom we stand. Whatever our own feelings about a given subject, there are things that cannot be talked about because they are too painful for the listener.
Yaakov knows that Joseph is venerated in Egypt and doesn’t stand a chance of being buried in Israel at the time of his own death. Thus, raising to Joseph his intense desire to be buried in Israel is rubbing it in Joseph’s face, and Yaakov wants to gently introduce the topic in deference to his son’s feelings. So too, Yaakov and Joseph never take the brothers to task for selling their brother, as it is too painful a subject to raise for them. Some things need to be left unsaid because the listener just can’t handle it.
And isn’t this the stuff of every day conversation as well? Are we careful about how we speak about spouses or significant others in front of those who are single? About children with those enduring fertility challenges? Do we limit the details that we offer about the luxuries in our lives when speaking with those suffering financial strain?
This is not to say that we cannot raise these topics or that difficult conversations should be avoided. On the contrary, it is important to talk about sensitive topics. But our sensitivity to the subject matter of our conversations must always be matched by a sensitivity to the person subject to hearing our words. Shabbat shalom.
Rabbi Judah Dardik is the spiritual leader at Orthodox Beth Jacob in Oakland. He can be reached at [email protected].