“When spring comes I want to put a ribbon in my hair and dance barefoot in the park,” my Aunt Frieda told me in Gedera, Israel, when she was in her early 80s.
“Other people may think of me as old,” said this still beautiful, high-cheekboned, vibrant and youthful woman, “but inside I feel like 17 … I’m only old when I catch my reflection in other people’s eyes.”
In her late 60s, Frieda began to paint and sculpt, working for 20 more years as an artist, exhibiting and selling her artworks.
Dr. Marc Agronin would have loved her, for she fits into the model of hope and engagement that he posits for older people in “How We Age: A Doctor’s Journey Into the Heart of Growing Old.”
As resident geriatric psychiatrist at Miami Jewish Health Systems, where famed writer Isaac Bashevis Singer spent the last two years of his life, Agronin is in a unique position to observe, counsel and treat older patients, many of whom are Holocaust survivors.
A central thesis that the author develops is that old age does not necessarily equal decline, and that despite the stumbling blocks of aging — infirmity, frailty, dementia and depression — there is also room, given the right circumstances, along with helpful family members and caregivers, for joy, pride, satisfaction and growth.
Agronin suggests that the mission of his book is to “offer a more balanced perspective on aging.” He wants to “honestly explore” old age through the lives of his patients, highlighting a few of the beneficent aspects of growing old.
Even with memory loss, he contends, life goes on and, surprisingly, some people even thrive. For example, the wife of a man with slowing memory states that her husband mellowed, was less hard on himself, and became more involved and loving with his grandchildren than ever before.
The author also gives the example of a 98-year-old-woman, Emma, who lost her husband and three children in the Holocaust — then, after the war, miraculously discovered that her youngest son, Chaim, had been saved. Still, at 98, she was haunted by her past and wanted to die. Agronin concludes that people like Emma need extra attention and time, and not an extra dose of anti-depressants. Just listening to them pour out their hearts and sympathizing could be beneficial.
Then, another small miracle occurred. After Emma’s brother died, his widow came to the same Miami facility and moved into her sister-in-law’s room. Rachel, 85, also a Holocaust survivor, spoke mainly Yiddish and Hungarian. Emma then became her mentor, guide and caregiver. She escorted her to appointments and was her personal translator with the staff. She advised Rachel regarding doctors and consoled her about her loss.
By helping another human being, her own despondency was mitigated — and Emma began showing up for all her own appointments with a renewed lease on life.
In Agronin’s practice surprises abound. A 93-year-old woman had just come into the nursing home after losing her husband of 73 years. The author sat next to her and asked sympathetically what it was like to lose a husband after so many years of marriage. The old woman paused for a minute and then declared: “Heaven!”
After his initial shock wore off, Agronin learned that the woman had endured decades of unhappy marriage with a man who was gruff and verbally abusive. She now felt liberated. And indeed she soon found new activities and friendships at the nursing home.
One of the most touching stories in “How We Age” is the Holocaust survivor whose husband had died after 60 years of marriage. The woman became depressed, thought of suicide. The author asked her how she had hope in Auschwitz when she knew each day might be her last. She replied that girls helped each other. If one was weak, the other propped her up. If one couldn’t shovel, another would shovel with her. “We were desperate but never alone,” she said.
After the woman was referred to a social club for older people with mild memory problems, Agronin one day stood unobserved in back of the room. He heard another woman bemoaning her failing memory. Then the Auschwitz survivor said, “We have to have hope. We’re in the same boat here, together.” Tears began to form in the doctor’s eyes, but he didn’t want his patient to see him crying.
Fortunate are the patients who have a doctor so sensitive. And fortunate are we, the readers, to have such a profound book in our hands.
Curt Leviant is an author and a retired Jewish studies professor from Rutgers University. His most recent book is the comic “A Novel of Klass.”
“How We Age: A Doctor’s Journey Into the Heart of Growing Old” by Dr. Marc Agronin (302 pages, Da Capo Press, $25)