Life on Mars
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: To determine if there is oxygen there.
“Give me the box of matches,” says one.
“Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.”
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his seven arms. “No, no, don’t!”
The two guys look at each other, worried, but a few seconds pass and they get ready to light another match.
Suddenly, a crowd of hysterical Martians come, all waving their arms: “No, please no. Don’t do that! Stop! Please!”
One of the astronauts says, “This looks serious. I wonder what they’re afraid of? But we’re here for science, so let’s do it.” With that, he strikes the match — and nothing happens. It simply lights up and then burns down.
So then he turns to the Martians and asks, “Why did you want us to not strike a match?”
The leader of the Martians steps forward and says, “Today is Shabbas!”
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Tired and thirsty
The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
When in Israel
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked as the driver drove straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn’t say anything, feeling himself a “guest” and not wanting to make waves.
The trip continued without event until the next intersection.
This time the light was green and, to the American’s dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.
Unable to contain his astonishment, he turned to the driver. “Listen”, he said, “When you went through the red light, I didn’t say anything. But why on Earth are you stopping at a green light?”
The Israeli driver looked at the American as if he was deranged. “Are you crazy?!” he shouted. “The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?!”